Home > Author > Steven Wright
121 " If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? "
― Steven Wright
122 " Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. "
123 " I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget. "
124 " I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. "
125 " What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? "
126 " What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? "
127 " Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? "
128 " How can there be self-help groups? "
129 " My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
130 " Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? "
131 " How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? "
132 " I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. "
133 " Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think? "
134 " Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? "
135 " I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "
136 " Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? "
137 " 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. "
138 " You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament. "
139 " Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! "
140 " If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "