Home > Author > Steven Wright
1 " It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself. "
― Steven Wright
2 " Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. "
3 " I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. "
4 " If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. "
5 " Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. "
6 " If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
7 " When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. "
8 " There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
9 " If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? "
10 " I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. "
11 " I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "
12 " The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? "
13 " Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. "
14 " I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it. "
15 " You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. "
16 " If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? "
17 " Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”? "
18 " If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? "
19 " Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. "
20 " I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "
