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61 " Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "
― Steven Wright
62 " I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "
― Steven Wright , Steven Wright Humor
63 " I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity. "
64 " So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over... "
65 " I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using? "
66 " I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. "
67 " Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. "
68 " To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. "
69 " I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time. "
70 " I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row. "
71 " The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. "
72 " Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff? "
73 " My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear. "
74 " I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. "
75 " When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need? "
76 " I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything "
77 " My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. "
78 " The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. "
79 " Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. "
80 " When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. "