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" Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling, such as “frustrated,” “angry,” or “afraid.” 2. Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it’s —————…” and fill in an emotion. “Is that correct? If it’s not, then what are you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or correct you. 3. Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Give the person time to respond. Be prepared, at least initially, for a torrent of emotions—especially if the person you’re talking with is holding years of pent-up frustration, anger, or fear inside. This is not the time to fight back, or air your own grievances. 4. Next, say, “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) is because…?” Again, let the person vent. 5. Then say, “Tell me—what needs to happen for that feeling to feel better?” 6. Next, say, “What part can I play in making that happen? What part can you play in making that happen? "
― Mark Goulston , Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
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" I suggested the following: “When Anita comes into your office, let her speak a couple of sentences and then firmly say, ‘Anita, what you’re saying is much too important for me to give it less than my undivided attention, which I can’t give you now because I’m in the middle of something that I’ve got to finish. So what I’d like you to do is come back in two hours when I will be able to give you all of my attention for five minutes, and then I can help you with what’s on your mind. But in the meantime think of what you want to tell me, what you’d like me to do, and whether it’s possible given the reality of our company. Also, think about whether it’s fair to everyone it affects and whether it’s in line with what we’re trying to accomplish. Figure those things out, and I’ll be happy to help make it happen.’” A few days later I spoke again with Janet, who’d tried the approach I suggested. She told me that Anita never came back and that things had been running smoothly since. I explained to Janet that many “problem people” who come in just to vent do so because they feel frustrated at not feeling important in the company. A superior telling them that they are important can go a long way to calming that upset feeling. I also explained that subordinates who want to complain often don’t have solutions to their problems, so when you set that as a condition for continuing a later conversation—a perfectly reasonable request—they often choose to drop the issue. "
― Mark Goulston , Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
