Home > Work > Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
21 " Transtheoretical Model of Change "
― Mark Goulston , Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
22 " When people go on the attack it’s usually because they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they’ve been treated poorly. That’s especially true if you’re dealing with angry and frustrated customers. Often such people feel hurt in many areas of life but save their “road rage” for outbursts that they believe won’t get them fired, divorced, or arrested—like kicking the dog or yelling at you. "
23 " Becoming defensive or counterattacking simply reinforces the idea that you think these people are wrong and unimportant (and stupid), which amplifies their mirror neuron gap and fuels their fire. When you make a counterintuitive move and encourage them to talk, you do the opposite: You mirror respect and interest, and they feel compelled to send the same message back. "
24 " The secret of getting ahead is getting started. —AGATHA CHRISTIE, MYSTERY AUTHOR "
25 " Move a person from hostility to mild confusion and already you’ve moved one step in the right direction. "
26 " So the first thing you need to do is to break down the thick walls between these silos. To do that, build on the things all silos have in common: the sky above (a shared vision) and the ground below (shared values). "
27 " you will deal, every day, with people who have “mirror neuron gaps” because the world isn’t giving back to them what they’re putting out. (My guess, in fact, is that this is a nearly universal condition of humankind.) Understanding a person’s hunger and responding to it is one of the most potent tools you’ll ever discover for getting through to anyone you meet in business or your personal life. "
28 " Start on Day 1 by using the question I mention in Chapter 19: “What are the three things I should always do and the three things I should never do to do well in this job?” Immediately, you’ll stand out from the crowd. "
29 " The customer is sometimes wrong. —HERB KELLEHER, FORMER CHAIRMAN AND CEO, SOUTHWEST AIRLINES "
30 " Your client is that common animal, the Classic Narcissist. He doesn’t care if he’s making your life miserable, cutting into your profit margin, or getting you in trouble with the boss. He wants what he wants—and he wants it now, now, now. "
31 " Good clients and customers raise the bar. Bad ones just keep hitting you over the head with it. "
32 " Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst. —MARCUS VALERIUS MARTIAL, ROMAN POET "
33 " Why is stipulation a smart technique? Because when people already know (or will quickly find out) the problem that you’re admitting to, your best move is to get it out of the way. Even better, you can often transform that problem into a powerful asset. "
34 " The key fact to know when somebody goes nuclear is that the person is stuck in attack mode, so rational, reasonable, intelligent conversation won’t work. A guy who’s throwing a computer at the boss or waving a gun around can’t listen to reason, because he can’t access the higher thought processes that say “Hey, calm down—this is crazy. "
35 " Your task, if you’re facing a person who’s running amok, is to break that lock. How? By talking the person up gradually from “I want to hurt someone” to “I’m terribly upset” to “I need to find a smart way to handle this.” These stages correlate with the three levels of the brain: the primitive reptile brain, the emotional mammal brain, and the logical human brain. "
36 " Your task, if you’re facing a person who’s running amok, is to break that lock. How? By talking the person up gradually from “I want to hurt someone” to “I’m terribly upset” to “I need to find a smart way to handle this.” These stages correlate with the three levels of the brain: the primitive reptile brain, the emotional mammal brain, and the logical human brain. To get an out-of-control person to act sanely, you need to move the person up gradually through all three levels in order. (Think of it as “rapid evolution.”) "
37 " Frequently we invest a great deal of energy in hiding weaknesses even when they’re clear to anyone who meets us. The result: We make people uncomfortable, because they’re forced to actively ignore the problem and focus a great deal of attention on avoiding talking about it. When we make them uncomfortable, their mirror neurons can’t create an emotional connection, because they’re actively avoiding that connection. Their own minds aren’t saying, “Reach out to this person.” They’re saying: “Be careful. Don’t trust this guy. If he’s hiding this, he’s probably hiding something else.” The solution? If there’s a big, glaring problem standing between you and reaching another person, stipulate to it. "
38 " To do that, follow these steps: 1. Say, “Tell me what happened.” Venting allows the person to begin moving from blindly striking out (the most primitive response) to feeling emotional (a higher response). The person’s screaming or yelling will upset you, but it’s far less dangerous than the threat of physical violence—so let it happen. "
39 " 2. Say, “I need to make sure that I heard exactly what you said, so I don’t go off in some wrong direction. If I heard you right, what you said is….” Then repeat exactly what the person said, calmly and with no angry or sarcastic inflection in your voice, and say, “Is that correct?” When you do this, you mirror the person—that powerful connecting technique I talk about in Chapter 2. You also cause the person to move from venting to listening, which slows the brain down so the person can think more intelligently. "
40 " 3. Wait until the person says “Yes.” The simple act of saying “Yes” causes the person to move in the direction of agreement rather than hostility. “Yes” also indicates a willingness to pull away from acting out. If the person corrects what you’ve said in any way, repeat the information you’re given. "