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161 " I don’t give a shit how it happened, the window is broken…. Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened. Let’s hear it. "
― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says
162 " No, you can’t have a bouncy house at your birthday party…. What do you mean why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a goddamned bouncy house in our backyard?…Yeah, that’s right, that’s the kind of shit I think about, that you just think magically appears. "
163 " I had no problem with you crying. My only concern was with the snot that was coming out of your nose. Where does that go? On your hands, your shirt? That’s no good. Oh, Jesus, don’t start crying. "
164 " So he called you a homo. Big deal. There’s nothing wrong with being a homosexual…. No, I’m not saying you’re a homosexual. Jesus Christ. Now I’m starting to see why this kid was giving you shit. "
165 " It’s my house. I’ll wear clothes when I want to wear clothes, and I’ll be naked when I want to be naked. The fact that your friends are coming over shortly is inconsequential to that—aka I don’t give a shit. "
166 " shit "
― Justin Halpern , More Sh*t My Dad Says
167 " About an hour and a half later, he poked his head out the back door. I was sitting in the grass in our backyard. “You can come on in if you want,” he said. “Also, wash your hands before you touch stuff. That conference hall floor smelled like dog shit and you were crawling around like a little monkey on it. "
168 " Who’s going to take care of it? You?…Son, you came in the house yesterday with shit on your hands. Human shit. I don’t know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it’s an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn’t for them. "
169 " I never understood where his anxiety came from, because we lived in a suburb. I once asked him about it, and he responded simply, “I came from a different time.” “What time was that, Dad?” “I don’t fucking know, a different one. Jesus, stop asking me questions and just be thankful I give a shit. "
170 " Oblivious to what was going on outside her bedroom, my mom called 911. “Sam! The police are on the way! Put your gun down and your clothes on!” she hollered from the other side of the house. “Fuck that, I ain’t doing either! This is my house, goddamn it! I gotta defend MY house!” he yelled back. "
171 " On Sportsmanship “You pitched a great game, you really did. I’m proud of you. Unfortunately, your team is shitty…. No, you can’t go getting mad at people because they’re shitty. Life will get mad at them, don’t worry.” On "
172 " On Off-Limits Zones in Hide-and-Go-Seek “What the fuck are you doing in my closet? Don’t shush me, it’s my fucking closet. "
173 " Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later it’s because it fucked you. "
174 " On Entertaining the Notion of Getting a Tattoo “You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I’ll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.” On "
175 " I’m not about to take the fall for somebody else’s porn movie. "
176 " You sure do like to tailgate people…. Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time. "
177 " You can’t just add ‘licious’ to nouns. That’s bullshit. "
178 " Sh*t "
179 " On Pringles Flavors: 'I'm not eating something called Pizzalicious. That's not even a fucking adjective. You can't just add 'licious' to nouns. That's bullshit. "
― Justin Halpern
180 " Get your math book out. We're gonna cure this case of the stupids', he said as he sat down next to me on my bed, pointing at a stack of books underneath a pile of my dirty clothes. 'Jesus, open a window, it smells like death shit in here', he added. "