Home > Author > Justin Halpern
1 " You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. "
― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says
2 " Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good. "
3 " See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested. "
― Justin Halpern
4 " ... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. "
― Justin Halpern , I Suck at Girls
5 " That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. "
6 " Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion. "
7 " Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad "
8 " If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup "
9 " You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing. "
10 " I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party. "
11 " Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens. "
12 " You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon. "
13 " Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off base when he said, "Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes." . . . "Remember. Family," he said. "Also, how do I get back to I-5? I hate this fucking city. "
14 " On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate “Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest. "
15 " The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. "
16 " It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works. "
17 " The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two. "
18 " You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. "
19 " There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind. "
20 " Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole. "
