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Sh*t My Dad Says QUOTES

Sh*t My Dad Says QUOTES

1 " You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

2 " Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

3 " That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

4 " Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

5 " If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

6 " Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

7 " You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

8 " Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off base when he said, "Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes." . . . "Remember. Family," he said. "Also, how do I get back to I-5? I hate this fucking city. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

9 " On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

10 " The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

11 " It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

12 " You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

13 " There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

14 " Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

15 " On Lego's

"Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

16 " Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

17 " I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

18 " Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

19 " You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day...I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says

20 " People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear. "

― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says