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41 " If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time. "
― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says
42 " The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog. "
― Justin Halpern
43 " On My Response to Having My Tires Slashed “Oh, don’t go to the goddamned cops. They’re busy with real shit. I don’t want my tax dollars going to figuring out who thinks you’re an asshole. "
44 " You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we’ll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet. "
45 " When I die, I die. I could give a shit, ’cause it ain’t my problem. I’d just rather not shit my pants on the way there, "
46 " Sometimes its nice when people you love need you. "
47 " On my seventh birthday party:No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard?...Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears. "
48 " When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of. "
49 " On Friendship“You got good friends. I like them. I don’t think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one. "
50 " Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something?...Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking. "
51 " On Furnishing One’s Home“Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it. "
52 " You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life. "
53 " On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole. "
54 " Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else. "
55 " On Chivalry “Give your mother the front seat…. I don’t give a shit if she said you could have it, that’s what she’s supposed to do, and you’re supposed to say, ‘No, I insist.’ You think I’m gonna drive around with my wife in the backseat and a nine-year-old in the front? You’re a crazy son of a bitch. "
56 " What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part. "
57 " Democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you. "
58 " On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card “Hot damn! You’re a smart kid—I don’t care what people say about you!…I’m kidding, nobody says you’re not smart. They say other stuff, but not that. "
59 " You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I’ll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is. "
60 " On Yard Work"What are you doing with that rake?... No, that is not raking.... What? Different styles of raking? No there is one style, and then there is bullshit. Guess which one you're doing. "