Home > Author > Justin Halpern
181 " Goddamn it, I just sat on your goddamned truck guy…. Optimus Prime? I don’t give a shit what it’s called, keep it away from where I like to put my ass. "
― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says
182 " I’m sorry I had to be so hard on you, but I don’t want people thinking you’re a lying sack of shit. You ain’t. You’re a quality human being. Now go to your room, you’re grounded. "
183 " People are always trying to tell you how to feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. "
― Justin Halpern
184 " I said I had two things to tell you. Now, scientifically, that's how it breaks down. But we're complex animals, and we're constantly changing. Things I thought ten years ago seem like absolute bullshit now. So there's no scientific formula to predict how things are going to work out with a marriage, because a marriage in year one is completely different from the same marriage ten years later. So when you're dealing with something incredibly unpredictable, like human beings, numbers and formulas don't mean shit. The best you can do is take all the information you have and, scientifically speaking, do what?" he asked, staring at me, awaiting an answer. "Uh . . . I don't know," I said, unsure if this was a rhetorical question. "I should buy you a fucking sign that says 'I don't know' to save you time. The best you can do is make an educated guess, son."So I'll tell you what I did right before I asked your mother to marry me. I took a day and I sat and I thought about all the things I had learned about myself, and about women, up to that point in my life. Just sat and thought. I may have smoked marijuana as well. Anyway, at the end of the day, I took stock of everything I'd gone through in my head, and I asked myself if I still wanted to propose to your mother. And I did. So that's what I humbly suggest you do, unless you think you're somehow smarter than I am, which, considering you share my genetics, is unlikely," he said, laughing as he sat back and took a big sip of Diet Coke. "
― Justin Halpern , I Suck at Girls
185 " Very early on, I realized I might have made a huge mistake "
186 " You can tell by the dilation "
187 " Jesus Christ, one fucking Snickers bar, and you’re running around like your asshole is on fire. Okay, outside you go. Don’t come back in until you’re ready to sleep or shit. "
188 " On Waterslides “You go on ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds’ urine. "
