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121 " Not that bad? This ain't fucking MIT, this is ninth grade! Look at this shit!' he said, holding the progress report up. 'You got a fucking C in ninth grade journalism? How does that even happen? You work for the New York fucking Times? Couldn't break that big corruption story? Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. "
― Justin Halpern , Sh*t My Dad Says
122 " When I die, I die. I could give a shit, ’cause it ain’t my problem. I’d just rather not shit my pants on the way there. "
123 " If it’s not bourbon or sweatpants, it’s going in the garbage…. No, don’t get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time. "
124 " On Choosing One’s Occupation “You have to do something you love…. Bullshit, you clearly have not heard this speech before, because you’re working at Mervyn’s. "
125 " First and foremost, I’m a scientist. And as a scientist, I can’t help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn’t give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it’s a goddamned party. "
― Justin Halpern , I Suck at Girls
126 " On Friendship “You got good friends. I like them. I don’t think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one. "
127 " On Getting a Dog “Who’s going to take care of it? You?…Son, you came in the house yesterday with shit on your hands. Human shit. I don’t know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it’s an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn’t for them.” On Showering with Regularity “You’re ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day…. I don’t give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son. "
128 " Look at the dog’s asshole.” “What? Why?” “You can tell by the dilation of his asshole that he’s going to shit soon. See. There it goes.” It was at that moment, as my dog emptied his bowels in my neighbor’s yard and my dad stood there proudly watching his prediction come true, that I realized how wise, even prophetic, he really is. "
129 " On Sportsmanship “You pitched a great game, you really did. I’m proud of you. Unfortunately, your team is shitty…. No, you can’t go getting mad at people because they’re shitty. Life will get mad at them, don’t worry. "
130 " On Spending the Night at a Friend’s House for the First Time “Try not to piss yourself. "
131 " Cheating’s not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain’t. I bet you’d suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately. "
― Justin Halpern
132 " On Talking to Strangers “Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.” On "
133 " Seeing someone you used to date is a lot like watching highlights of your favorite team losing in the Super Bowl: just the sight of it hits you like a punch in the gut and makes you remember how upset you were when it all went down in flames. "
134 " People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don’t know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she’s a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don’t ignore what you hear. "
135 " All I ask is that you pick up your shit so you don’t leave your bedroom looking like it was used for a gang bang,” he said. "
136 " I can shit anywhere, at any time. It’s one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest. "
137 " life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later it’s because it fucked you, "
138 " Let’s be honest. You’re not Einstein, but don’t let assholes like that teacher make you feel stupid. You’re plenty smart, and good at other stuff. You know that, right?” “Yeah.” “Don’t just say yeah like a fucking mope. Let me hear you say it. Say you know you’re good at stuff.” “I’m good at stuff.” “That’s right. You’re good at stuff. Fuck that math teacher,” he said. "
139 " Nobody likes practicing, but what’s worse: practing, or sucking at something?... Oh, give me a fucking break, practicing is not worse than sucking. "
140 " That’s your curfew: not waking me up. "