Rory Miller QUOTES

1 " Why is a caterpillar wrapped in silk while it changes into a butterfly? So the other caterpillars can't hear the screams. Change hurts "

― Rory Miller

2 " Here's a rule of life: You don't get to pick what bad things happen to you "

― Rory Miller , Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training & Real World Violence

3 "     In a thousand years or ten thousand, no one would remember my nation. It, too, would share in oblivion and prove to not matter, to never have mattered.
    The same for my species, and the earth, the universe, and God. When the last star winks out, none of it will have mattered - and it ten billion years, I will still be nothing - and equal to God.
    That was the first stage in my enlightenment: to understand that nothing matters. Hence, everything is equal. "

― Rory Miller

4 " It is better to avoid than to run, better to run than to de-escalate, better to de-escalate than to fight, better to fight than to die. "

― Rory Miller , Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

5 " Develop the habit of doing unpleasant things quickly and without hesitation. If you are going to jump in the cold water, jump in the cold water. If you need to get up, get your ass out of bed. Do the dishes that need doing. Finish the hard jobs at work while everyone else is coming up with excuses to get out of them. "

― Rory Miller , Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

6 " To manage fear you only need to believe you can do things.

To manage danger you must be able to do things. "

― Rory Miller

7 " When I tell someone that the most important thing a young woman can do to avoid being raped is to avoid places with lots of young men (and if you absolutely have to go to those place, don't drink) the dumb responses range from: 'Girls have a right to have fun' to 'You're just blaming the victim' all the way up to the ludicrous, 'A woman should be able to walk naked into a biker bar and not be bothered.' These are political ideals. They might even be the way the world should work. They are not the way the world actually works. The responsibility for self-protection has to rest with the potential victim because the potential rapist has no interest whatsoever in her safety or rights. The potential victim is the one who cares. "

― Rory Miller , Violence: A Writer's Guide

8 " No one who loves you will want you to be weak. "

― Rory Miller

9 " Know this: Your own brain will lie to you. It will backstab and sabotage you to prevent ANY change. "

― Rory Miller , ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

10 " A wise man once told me about the trouble with going into law enforcement as a career, "No matter what any bleeding-heart tells you, 3% of the people in the world are scum. The trouble is, if you spent 80% of your time with that 3%, you start thinking that 80% of the world is scum. "

― Rory Miller , Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

11 " A common romantic script is the rescue. One person has a horrible past of abuse and betrayal and latches on to a romantic partner who wants to be the hero and protect her from all badness. The protection from harm quickly becomes a protection from consequences. The rescued princess uses the relationship as a safe environment where growth and becoming strong are not necessary. The relationship quickly becomes co-dependent. The victim cannot survive on her own, and the rescuer gets his identity from shielding her from the world. "

― Rory Miller , ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

12 " If I label someone as “bad,” I know my own meaning: he will hurt someone to get what he wants. If I use “evil” it means he will hurt someone even when he doesn’t want anything. "

― Rory Miller , Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

13 " Whether the person you are dealing with is playing a Monkey dominance game or is a pure predator, he wants to deal with a Monkey. When you are in your Monkey brain you are emotional and most of all predictable. Predators (rapists, robbers, murderers--but also the cold-blooded corporate ladder climber) thrive on this and count on you following your social scripts. "

― Rory Miller , ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

14 " The Predator has already “othered” you to a sufficient extent that any communication that relies on a shared feeling of humanity will be ineffective. The Threat does not see you as the same species. "

― Rory Miller , Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

15 " if someone says, “Shut the fuck up or I’m going to beat your ass,” and it escalates into a fight you will have real trouble proving self-defense... because you didn’t simply shut the fuck up. Self-defense is about defending your body, not your pride. If this threat display devolves into a fight, you were engaged in the Monkey Dance. You were not defending yourself. • "

― Rory Miller , Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

16 " Usually scripts are beneficial, or at least harmless. The constant daily drone of small talk, the ritual greetings, even venting anger or complaining about politics or foreign affairs that we have no direct knowledge of, are all comforting. It’s the soothing background noise of a group without a pending crisis. "

― Rory Miller , ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

17 " And in some environments, talking like an overly-educated, holier-than-thou reformer is an automatic hook. Don’t get any tribal feelings about that description, either. The most sanctimonious holier-than-thou people I know are progressive social activists, not religious zealots. (Ooooh. Look at all the labeling in that sentence!) "

― Rory Miller , ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

18 " Violence never solved anything.” This platitude is so patently and obviously false that it takes some pretty special mental gymnastics to say it, much less believe it. The fact is that some things, especially dangerous things happening very fast, can ONLY be solved by violence. This adage frequently infuriates professionals because sometimes the problem they have solved with violence was their own survival or the survival of someone they loved. Survival is pretty hard to devalue. "

― Rory Miller , Violence: A Writer's Guide

19 " Last thing--there is a universal way to see who you are, if you have the courage. You are reflected in your friends. If you have no friends, or all of your friends are asses… it’s you. You’re an ass. Hate to be the one to tell you. If, on the other hand, you look at your friends and feel humble that people so cool are willing to spend time with you--in that case you are doing well. Just don’t get smug. "

― Rory Miller , ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

20 " it is difficult to solve a problem that you are almost entirely ignorant about. You cannot work for peace while ignoring violence any more than a doctor can create treatments while refusing to study disease. "

― Rory Miller , ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

1
2
3