Home > Author > Rory Miller
41 " Even the argument that you have had a hundred times with your partner, the one that never gets solved. You get frustrated, feeling like you are stuck in a broken record. It doesn’t benefit you. In many cases, it doesn’t benefit anyone. Is anyone happy and satisfied in an abusive relationship? In a dysfunctional office or family? Even when we know it is dysfunctional, we keep doing the same things over and over again. We are on a script. If the script doesn’t benefit anybody, why do we do it? We do it because the Monkey brain believes it benefits everybody. It benefits the group. The Monkey brain feels it is a survival necessity to be in a group. It is nearly as important to know one’s place in the group. Once these are established, no matter how horrible it may be (the daughter who is the target of abuse is not in what one would call a high-status role in a nice group), the Monkey is afraid that changing anything may change everything. And the Monkey sees that as death. "
― Rory Miller , ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication
42 " What is the difference between the Crips and the Bloods? Whether they kill over red bandanas or blue bandanas, it’s about which symbols they’re willing to kill for. But if one group was not willing to kill over the symbols (because they were too logical) and the other group was willing, the first group would disappear. Eradicated or absorbed. "
43 " There is an old saying, “Never ascribe to malice what can better be explained by stupidity.” That’s good advice. "
44 " Sometimes big insights can shift our reality maps toward much greater accuracy, but no level of insight can make our beliefs about life into life. "
45 " Dr. Drew Westen, in his book The Political Brain, writes about a study in which people who label themselves “conservative” or “liberal” are asked to explain their political views. They feel logical. They sound logical. But their neocortex (where logic resides) isn’t even active. The activity is in their limbic system, their emotional centers. Their Monkey brains. When "
46 " This inner critic, with its fear of imaginary censure, is one of the most powerful social controls that we have. It is solely responsible for you probably living at the same socio-economic level you were raised at, not being much more successful than your parents, never finishing that novel or getting your college degree or black belt. It exists to make sure that the group doesn’t have to adjust around you, to keep you within your tribe and keep you in your place in your tribe. Is that what you want? "
47 " People are stupid and talk a lot of shit. But only in the abstract. They are loud-mouthed in their machismo and silent in their cowardice. "
― Rory Miller
48 " Why should I apologize if he’s the one being the asshole?” It’s a fairly common question. I have heard officers (a very few; it’s rare) say that they would never apologize to a criminal, and managers say they would never apologize to their employees. The whole idea is stupid. It is based on a fear of seeming weak or submissive or a parallel fear of being accused of being responsible. “I’m sorry.” Not much as a word thing, huh? Two words, expresses sympathy and nothing else… Here’s the big clue and the Monkey trick on this one: “I don’t want to apologize because I don’t want to look weak.” Really? Being afraid of looking weak denies reality and our own experience. We have all seen arguments like this. We have all been part of the audience who will “see the weakness.” That’s not what happens. We see two people being unreasonable, not one. And the first person to apologize is clearly the smart one, the mature one, the leader. You gain, not lose, status when you make a reasonable, timely and sincere apology. From your own experience you have seen this time and again. You know this. If the other tries to turn it into a sign of weakness, gets so caught up in the Monkey Dance that he refuses the olive branch or presses for more, the audience identifies him as an ass and he loses status. We know this from our own experience of being the watchers. The very people you might be afraid to seem weak to. We know this. Still, the Monkey convinces us to be afraid of what people will think, even though we know they will not think it. People are not held in check by what people will think. They are held in check by what they imagine people will think. That imagination is patently, provably wrong. How much control will you let it have? "
49 " In order to be a valid immediate threat, the individual must exhibit three things and another fourth element is necessary. These are Intent, Means, Opportunity and Preclusion. "
― Rory Miller , Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected
50 " You wanted to hurt someone you love? Who hasn't? People you love are sometimes the only people close enough to really hurt us. This desire is not something new. "
