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Andrew Shaffer QUOTES

Andrew Shaffer QUOTES

1 " I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”

“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna? "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

2 " My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.

“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.

“I’m your boss, Anna.”

“What do you mean?”

There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

3 " For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he’s happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

4 " If the food supply runs out, try trapping or hunting animals. For most people, this won't be easy. If you can't catch any animals, it's time to throw a Donner party. "

― Andrew Shaffer , How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack

5 " Don't needlessly draw attention to yourself. If you're twerking on the beach, a circling pteracuda could mistake you for a wounded animal. "

― Andrew Shaffer , How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack

6 " If it's dive-bombing you from the air, bury yourself in the sand. It might lose sight of you. Also, no one likes to eat food covered in sand. No one. "

― Andrew Shaffer , How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack

7 " Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel, constantly, but only in my brain. "

― Andrew Shaffer

8 " Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

9 " You can survive up to three weeks without food. You can only survive for three days without water. No one knows how many days you can survive without caffeine. "

― Andrew Shaffer , How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack

10 " As Khaled Hosseini writes, it’s better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Hope Never Dies (Obama Biden Mysteries, #1)

11 " I knew a little something about living under a microscope. Even if you've done nothing wrong, it's easy to start believing you were somehow to blame. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Hope Never Dies (Obama Biden Mysteries, #1)

12 " I shake his hand, and feel the jolt of electricity again from him. He laughs and raises his hand to show me the joy-buzzer in his palm. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

13 " She hands me a security badge that says VIRGIN. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

14 " I have hobbies," he says, smirking. "Physical pursuits: Base-jumping, hang-gliding, underwater basket-weaving. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

15 " The people are so small, they look like ants (although they're Walmart customers, so they look like obese ants). "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

16 " Need a hand?”

I peeked at the figure on the horse’s back through cracks in my fingers. My eyes slowly adjusted to the light emanating from the horse, and the figure came into focus. It was Barack Obama, clad in a white toga.

He pulled me to my feet.

“Thanks,” I said. “You wouldn’t believe the dream I’ve had.”

“Try me.”

“You came to me one night, and said my friend had been hit by a train…and…is that a unicorn? I asked, squinting at the curled horn sprouting up between the horse’s ears.

“I call her Little Beast.”

I ran my fingers through the unicorn’s silken hair, which left rainbow glitter on my hand. The headache that had plagued me off and on all weekend was gone. There was no pain in my knee, or anywhere else in my body. “Is this heaven?”

“No,” Barack said. “It’s Iowa.”

And then suddenly we weren’t in the cemetery anymore. We were on a baseball diamond at the edge of a cornfield. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Hope Never Dies (Obama Biden Mysteries, #1)

17 " NOTE: In the rare situation a megatsunami washes a T. rex into your path, you won't be carrying a weapon large enough to hurt it. If it's intent on eating you, it will eat you. However, you will be killed by the coolest dinosaur ever. Most people go their whole lives without ever seeing a T. rex in person. Do you know how lucky you are? "

― Andrew Shaffer , How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack

18 " As long as you have hope,” he said, repeating his words from that day, “you’re still in the game.” “And when you lose it?” I asked, echoing a field organizer’s question. “You can’t lose it. Hope never dies. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Hope Never Dies (Obama Biden Mysteries, #1)

19 " As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

20 " We do have funerals for the living," Jill said. "They're called birthday parties. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Hope Never Dies (Obama Biden Mysteries, #1)