Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters) QUOTES

2 " My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.

“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.

“I’m your boss, Anna.”

“What do you mean?”

There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

4 " Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

6 " She hands me a security badge that says VIRGIN. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

8 " The people are so small, they look like ants (although they're Walmart customers, so they look like obese ants). "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

10 " Stop it, girl. There’s no way he’s five-years-old. Or one hundred. He’s probably like every other CEO on the planet: Late twenties, handsome in that geeky sort of way, and just as awkward as you. I breathe a sigh of relief, because I know I’m probably right. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

12 " I growl with frustration at my reflection in the mirror. Damn my hair – it’s fifty shades of fucked up. The situation I’m in is fifty shades of fucked up. I’m supposed to be studying for my finals; my roommate, Kathleen, should be the one fussing with her hair in front of the mirror right now. Instead, I’m trying to brush my hair into submission. Why is my hair so kinky? I need to stop sleeping with it wet, because it always ends up out of control. As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

14 " Mr. Gray,” I mutter. He’s smiling again like the Big Bad Wolf who wants to eat me. And boy, do I want him to eat m–

“I just happened to be in the area,” he says, cutting off my internal monologue. “I needed to pick up a few supplies, and here you are. What a pleasant surprise.” His voice is cool and husky like a Wendy’s Frosty shake, with just a little bit of grit (also like a Frosty). "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

16 " It’s fifteen minutes until two when I arrive – just in time for the interview. I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is also floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me, because buildings back in Portland are made of grass and mud. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

18 " kinky "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)

20 " The building is a ginormous 175-story office building that juts into the sky like a glass and steel erection. "

― Andrew Shaffer , Fifty-one Shades: A Parody (First Three Chapters)