Home > Work > Tall Tales and Wee Stories: The Best of Billy Connolly
1 " Chic Murray once told me, he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, ‘Did you fall?’ He said, ‘No, I’m trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket. "
― Billy Connolly , Tall Tales and Wee Stories: The Best of Billy Connolly
2 " Even though everybody knows that when you light up a cigarette God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards. "
3 " You’ll also notice that there’s an awful lot of swearing in the pages that follow. I don’t apologise for that. It’s not ‘bad language’, it’s ordinary language. I don’t understand the snobbishness about swearing. I grew up swearing. Everybody around me swore. It’s part of our culture. It can be poetic, it can be violent, and it can be very funny. It’s the rhythm of how we speak, and the colour of how we communicate – at least when we’re being honest and open and raw. So, if you’re likely to be offended by the swearing, you may as well fuck off now. "
4 " But, you know, when a man turns fifty, the weirdest and most disappointing thing happens. Your doctor loses interest in your testicles. And takes an overwhelming interest in your arsehole. It’s the strangest thing. Because the chances of testicular cancer recede as you get older, and the chances of prostate cancer increase. Isn’t life a fucking bowl of cherries? "
5 " Acting your age is about as sensible as acting your street number. You can volunteer to take life seriously, but it’s going to get you anyway. It’s going to win against you in the end. It’s harsh, and you can either break down and complain about how miserable your life is, or you can have a go at it and survive. I think that’s the basis of it all. And laugh. Always look to laugh. Nothing else will ever keep you going like laughter. So, thank you for laughing with me. And please do keep it up. "
6 " My father once dropped fifty pence, bent down to pick it up and it hit him on the back of the neck. He used to wake up at night to see if he’d lost any sleep. "
7 " They say, ‘Oh, I went up to Scotland once and it was raining.’ Of course it was fucking raining! Where do you think Scotland is – the fucking Pyrenees? Take a raincoat, you stupid fucker! "
8 " Some people seem to be so afraid of being alone with themselves and their thoughts that they have to be talking to someone on the phone constantly. And talking really, really loudly. It’s as though they’re trying to shout the quiet out of their lives. ‘HELLO? YEAH! I’M ALL RIGHT, HOW ARE YOU?’ And as soon as one call ends, they’re desperately trying to call someone else before the silence settles back. ‘HELLO?’ It’s madness. "
9 " Have you ever drunk Zombies? It’s kind of muddy-coloured. I would advise you to do it. It’s an extraordinary concept: you get drunk from the bottom up. You’re perfectly lucid, talking away: ‘Oh yeah, been there. Yeah. Have you got the time? Oh, is that British time …?’ You’re being very terrific, jet-setting and urbane – until you need to go to the toilet and your legs are pissed. ‘Excuse me, I’ll just go to the toilet—’ Crash! And you can’t get up, you see. "
10 " was brought up as a wee Glasgow Catholic. As a consequence, I went to a really weird school: Our Lady of Perpetual Pre-Menstrual Tension. It was fucking hard going, let me tell you. "
11 " Books have always meant a great deal to me. When I was young, people used to have all kinds of advice as to how the working class could free themselves from factory life and all of that frustration, but for me the true secret tunnel, the hidden escape route, was in the library, reading books. "
12 " Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. "
13 " I hate sand. It just fucking sticks to me and makes me uncomfortable. "
