Home > Work > The Moaning of Life: The Worldly Wisdom of Karl Pilkington
1 " I sometimes wear headphones even though I’m not listening to anything just so I’m left alone. It’s the next best thing to wearing a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign. "
― Karl Pilkington , The Moaning of Life: The Worldly Wisdom of Karl Pilkington
2 " I’ve always found cherubs a bit sinister. The idea of winged babies flying around with no nappies on seems like an accident waiting to happen. There would be shit everywhere. If I saw a cherub flying about in real life it would terrify me, whereas a Cyclops, which is another mythical being, wouldn’t scare me at all, as it’s just a bloke with one eye. He’d be registered disabled and get a decent parking space in today’s world. "
3 " Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else. "
4 " If something happened to Suzanne I don’t think I would want to go through with finding somebody else either. I’d feel quite lost without her. It would be like separating Siamese twins, as we’ve been through everything together. Which can also be handy, as my memory isn’t what it used to be, so I use hers as my back-up memory drive. Meeting someone new would be like getting a new phone. You have to start again, input all of your information into them while trying to get to know their functions. "
5 " A life without death would be like a day without sleep. "
6 " Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we’re making handbags out of them. I "
7 " I’ve tried counting sheep like everyone recommends, but what tends to happen is that my brain thinks it’s seen the same sheep twice and that messes up my count, and when I think there’s no more sheep to count, another three will come running along and startle me. Or just as I think I’ve finished counting, an elephant comes running in. By this point I’m wide awake. "
8 " Research shows that arranged marriages last longer, and I wonder if it’s down to the fact that it’s other people putting you together, like when a family member buys you a gift it’s not easy to throw it away, as there’s a chance they’ll come to visit and ask where it is and get upset when you say you’ve binned it. "
9 " I’m useless in water. I wake up at night drowning in my own saliva. "
10 " I’d prefer to have a world of grumpy considerate people than happy selfish ones. "
11 " People who are grumpy are usually like that for a reason, but no one ever thinks to find out if they have a right to be grumpy. Look at Grumpy in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. He’s got a reputation for being moody, but of course he’s grumpy, half his colleagues are bleeding useless. If I had to work with Dopey, Sleepy and Sneezy I’d be well pissed off too, especially with Happy standing there acting like everything is fine. I don’t know if anyone has ever done a study on each of the dwarfs’ work rate, but I’d put money on Grumpy being the most productive out of that lot. "
12 " Just tick a few boxes, agree to the terms and conditions and wait for the automated reply that says it’s all gone through and we’re now husband and wife. Why has that not been set up? "
13 " We had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, now we’re living in the Interfering Age. "
14 " They’re limited edition,’ she said. ‘Listen,’ I said ‘they’re not limited enough. These shouldn’t have been made at all. "
15 " DONNA: She doesn’t like office equipment, so we let her come out here and tear up office equipment. For people who don’t like TVs, they can break TVs. If you don’t like cars, you can break cars. If you don’t like living-room things, you can break living-room things. Do you have something that you don’t like? KARL: Vandalism. So this doesn’t really work for me, does it? "
16 " The doctor took the cup off me and set to inspecting the contents under a powerful microscope. It was weird seeing it on a computer screen. Sperm the size of tadpoles, all whizzing about like moths around a lightbulb. They looked like they were having a great time, but seeing them didn’t make me feel broody at all. I just found it odd to think I was one of them once. I suppose life was more simple back then, living inside a bollock, just zooming around with all your nameless relatives with no arguing, no stress, no complications "
17 " I’ve heard that we’re constantly shedding skin and it is totally replaced every seven years. So every seven years you’re a different person. That’s why people get the seven-year itch and stop getting on with their partner – it’s because they’re a different person. "
18 " This is the problem with inventing. Virtually everything has been done already. These days most things are just the same things but tweaked. Everything is ‘new and improved’. "
19 " But just like a real mum with a real kid, the noise coming from the toy didn’t seem to bother her. Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else. "
20 " I find I can get mundane jobs done pretty quickly when I’m in a mood. I often wash up pots if I’ve had an argument with Suzanne, and I do a thorough job in good time and then by the time I’ve finished I’ve calmed down. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a link between the rise in divorce rates and the introduction of the dishwasher. "
