Home > Work > The Moaning of Life: The Worldly Wisdom of Karl Pilkington
21 " It’s no coincidence that the women who spray perfume all over themselves are always the ones with an orange tan too. I put it down to the fact that all the CFC gases they pump out burn up the ozone above their heads, so the sun tans them the most. Obvious, innit. "
― Karl Pilkington , The Moaning of Life: The Worldly Wisdom of Karl Pilkington
22 " The best thing about me is probably my eyes, but then I suppose my eyes would think that, as it’s them that are looking at them. "
23 " I bought an Apple iPad and it was out of date sooner than a real apple would have been. We "
24 " I stopped listening to Justin. I don’t think he likes to leave anything as nature intended. He’d iron out the lump on a camel’s back and get a pelican to have its throat lifted. "
25 " Whether it’s a relationship or a toaster that’s broken, they just replace it. You’re bound to fall out and have arguments and you should work at getting the relationship back together, but nobody wants to any more. "
26 " I suppose that’s what I find odd about arranged marriages: not that they exist, but the fact that they exist in India, a place where it seems nothing is properly arranged. "
27 " I don’t mind watching comedians telling jokes on the telly, as you don’t have to react, but if someone tells me a joke to my face I feel under pressure to find it amusing. "
28 " I never reply with LOL (laugh out loud) as most people seem to do these days. Or PMSL (piss myself laughing), LMAO (laugh my arse off) or ROFL (roll on floor laughing). I don’t use these abbreviations, as I don’t know the order that they should go in. Does laughing your arse off rank higher than pissing your pants? I’ve never had a reaction like that to any joke to be honest. I’ve ROFC (rolled on floor crying) with kidney stones, but I don’t laugh that much. When I do, it’s normally at things that you shouldn’t laugh at. "
29 " Maybe this is how Michael Jackson came up with his moonwalk. Maybe he was acting out a time when he stepped in dogshit and tried to get it off his shoes. "
30 " There’s non-stop movie work for dwarves these days if they want it. I think it’s because a lot of people are watching movies on iPads – they fit on the screen better. "
31 " I must be so lucky, as I’d been using the boiler without the plastic ring for ages and me and Suzanne are still alive (I wish there was a sarcasm font). "
32 " If you’re worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can’t have proper worries in your life. "
33 " You can have too much of a good thing. It’s like when I bought the box set of The Sopranos. I loved the first few, and even though it was still good, after that I just couldn’t take any more. "
34 " The ball sack is supposed to be wrinkly; they’re not bloody worry lines! I can’t believe there’s a machine that fixes this. I don’t even own an iron. Balls don’t need ironing! They’re like a shellsuit, they’re meant to be crease-looking. And anyway, I’ve sat on them most of the time, so they’d only get creased again. As for getting your arse bleached, I don’t know what to make out that. I couldn’t tell you what mine looks like. If you showed five photos of various anuses, I couldn’t pick mine out from a line-up. I never understood why barbers used to show me the back of my head in a mirror after a quick trim, so I certainly wouldn’t worry about the colour of my anus. I’d say if you’re worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can’t have proper worries in your life. "