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21 " I practice karate moves when I think nobody is watching. It’s all part of being a real American badass, I guess. Chicks dig it. I mean they would, if they ever looked and caught me in a moment of awesomeness. "
― Jarod Kintz , This Book Title is Invisible
22 " I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents. "
23 " I didn’t list listening as one of my skills, probably because I didn’t hear what the interviewer asked. "
24 " Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours. "
25 " I just took a little nap. I stole it from an infant. "
26 " A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score. "
27 " I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew it by acting like I didn’t know it. "
28 " With a tough decision, the act of flipping a coin allows you to figure out which you really prefer, because as the coin is spinning, you find yourself slightly pulling for either heads or tails. No need to follow the coin’s outcome—choose the side your subconscious hoped fate would favor. "
29 " Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is placed on top of a two-legged piano. I should know, because I’m the guy trying to tune that piano, fix that chair, and affix a prosthetic leg to that guy—who happens to be my piano teacher. Mr. Balloonky, you get down from there now! "
30 " I’m a closet sociopath. You can tell by all the skeletons I have hanging up next to my clothes. "
31 " Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it. "
32 " I’m thinking ahead to how I’ll be thinking back to me thinking ahead in this moment. "
33 " I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle. "
34 " The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves. "
35 " I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have all four grandparents still living, and widely dispersed around the world. "
36 " I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple high fives. "
37 " I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where nobody can touch it—not even me. My collection grows larger every day. "
38 " Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing. "
39 " Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around. "
40 " I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is when my lower back itches. "