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101 " I’m convinced the reason they don’t make James Bond movies anymore is because the stunts he used to do no longer impress us as people do that stuff on a wet Thursday afternoon in an office team building session. Even sweaty Pete from IT manages to get his fat arse into a jumpsuit so he can do a tandem jump with his head of "
― Karl Pilkington , The Further Adventures of An Idiot Abroad
102 " I don’t mind watching comedians telling jokes on the telly, as you don’t have to react, but if someone tells me a joke to my face I feel under pressure to find it amusing. "
― Karl Pilkington , The Moaning of Life: The Worldly Wisdom of Karl Pilkington
103 " To be honest, today’s runners may as well go back to being nude as them Lycra pants they wear don’t really hide much, do they? It’s plain to see that if Usain Bolt went back to the old ways of running in the nude he would have an advantage getting over the finish line before anyone else. It "
― Karl Pilkington , More Moaning: The Return of the Enlightened One
104 " I never reply with LOL (laugh out loud) as most people seem to do these days. Or PMSL (piss myself laughing), LMAO (laugh my arse off) or ROFL (roll on floor laughing). I don’t use these abbreviations, as I don’t know the order that they should go in. Does laughing your arse off rank higher than pissing your pants? I’ve never had a reaction like that to any joke to be honest. I’ve ROFC (rolled on floor crying) with kidney stones, but I don’t laugh that much. When I do, it’s normally at things that you shouldn’t laugh at. "
105 " Maybe this is how Michael Jackson came up with his moonwalk. Maybe he was acting out a time when he stepped in dogshit and tried to get it off his shoes. "
106 " going they hadn’t heard of it either. "
107 " There’s non-stop movie work for dwarves these days if they want it. I think it’s because a lot of people are watching movies on iPads – they fit on the screen better. "
108 " People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change me life. "
― Karl Pilkington
109 " I must be so lucky, as I’d been using the boiler without the plastic ring for ages and me and Suzanne are still alive (I wish there was a sarcasm font). "
110 " I had a coconut on the way, which was another first for me. A drink and food all in one. It didn’t look like the normal coconuts you win at fairgrounds. There was no hair on it. I don’t know if that’s how they grow here or if it’s that Brazilians hate hair on anything and they’ve waxed them. "
― Karl Pilkington , An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington
111 " If you’re worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can’t have proper worries in your life. "
112 " The only memory I have was how the wrestler’s balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips. "
113 " Got back and went to use the loo in Room 5 and was shocked at the state of it. Christian the producer was not well and had made a mess of it and the walls surrounding it. Even the cockroaches were running out the door. For the first time in my life I was aware that my face did a disgusted look. I decided I’d rather do it on the street than sit in there. "
114 " Richard the director was talking to the cameraman and soundman so I thought that this was a good time to get out my toilet that I had taken with me. I say ‘toilet’; it was a camping chair that I had cut a hole into where I could place a bin bag. I went to my tent to get it to discover it wasn’t there. I went mad at Richard telling him that it wasn’t funny and wanted to know who had taken it. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked Wilder and he acted the same way. I then went and looked in every tent but couldn’t find it. I asked Wilder again and said if the others had told him to hide it he must tell me where as I had gone to a lot of trouble buying, altering and carrying it to the jungle. He took me into the woods where a path had already been cut and the chair set up. I thought he had done it especially for me until I noticed a small M&S bag next to the chair. Someone had already used it. I thought it may have been a joke and that the bag just contained soil so picked it up to check. I hadn’t even undone the knot fully when the stench hit me. Someone had used it. "
115 " from the ceiling but made little difference. I sat wondering if it was part of Brazilian tradition to invite someone to stay but then fuck off out for the evening. Seems a bit odd to me. I "
116 " You can have too much of a good thing. It’s like when I bought the box set of The Sopranos. I loved the first few, and even though it was still good, after that I just couldn’t take any more. "
117 " The ball sack is supposed to be wrinkly; they’re not bloody worry lines! I can’t believe there’s a machine that fixes this. I don’t even own an iron. Balls don’t need ironing! They’re like a shellsuit, they’re meant to be crease-looking. And anyway, I’ve sat on them most of the time, so they’d only get creased again. As for getting your arse bleached, I don’t know what to make out that. I couldn’t tell you what mine looks like. If you showed five photos of various anuses, I couldn’t pick mine out from a line-up. I never understood why barbers used to show me the back of my head in a mirror after a quick trim, so I certainly wouldn’t worry about the colour of my anus. I’d say if you’re worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can’t have proper worries in your life. "
118 " What about email? You got email on your phone?’ Ricky ‘Yeah, but I don’t really wanna answer them ’cos they're like 70 pence a time or something. I got an email from Oxfam, saying if I wanted to buy some goat again. That’s cost me a quid.’ Karl "
119 " You can get 5 million million atoms on the head of a pin”, it said. Atoms are dangerous enough – they are what makes the atomic bomb so powerful. So why store them on top of a dangerous sharp object like a pin? They’re asking for trouble. "
― Karl Pilkington , Karlology
120 " Ahmed told me they were expanding the museum so it could fit more tourists inside, but I think this will just encourage the museum people to put even more old boxes on display. It’s interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up. Humans "