161
" Dear Surrender,
What is the bigger picture? Is it life or death? In my life, it can’t be both. Is it happiness or sadness? Once again, in my life, it can’t be both. Can you show me? Which one is it? Am I missing something here? I was told when I was younger that life didn’t give a shit about me. Yeah, clearly, I know that and have no doubt my mother was right about that. That was by far the only thing she was right about. Other than that, my mother is an epic failure. However, they say life is what you make it. Is that true? All my life, I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but the only thing I’ve done is—fail. I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but when I reach the top, I am kicked back down. I’ve been trying to ‘make it,’ but when I feel like hope has crossed my path, it has been tackled down once again by one too many challenges. I am ‘making it’ the best way I can, but life beats me down when I try my hardest to get up. What am I supposed to do? Surrender? If so, what am I surrendering to? Love, hope, peace, joy, happiness, Kace? Myself? Who or what? Tell me what to do! Show me, please! Lead the way. I promise I will follow.
Right here, right now, I surrender. "
― Charlena E. Jackson , Pinwheels and Dandelions
165
" Dear Halo,
I see you. You are the light around the moon, and I know that you are the light above my head. You are a reflection of what and who I want to be. Therefore, tonight is the perfect time to reflect. There have been so many times, if not all the time, that the halation of light has spread in my life beyond its boundaries and has formed a fog everywhere. However, I have you right above my head to help me direct my path. I have changed. I have worked so hard on—me, Ember. I feel like when it comes to my mom, I am like water in the sink. My emotions go around and around in circles because she has drained me and taken everything from me. She is so good at pulling the plug on everything I’ve worked so hard to accomplish. I never gave away my power—it’s just that I am depleted.
Right now, just for tonight and tomorrow, I am in hibernation as I unfold the memories that once hunted me. These memories have taken me to the highest point, and they most definitely have dragged me to my lowest point. They have dragged me so low to the point that my feelings and emotions are deeper than the sea.
The name I use for Mom is—claustrophobia. She is the person I fear most, for Kace’s sake. Every time I see her, she closes me in—in a confined space in my heart and in my mind. Anxiety takes over me because I knew this day would come—that she would try to get custody of Kace. When I see her, I lose control... seeing her and thinking of her sends my mind to claustrophobia. The memories and remembrance of her close me in, and they trap me every single time—that is why I am in here. I have to control it.
From this day forth, I am not surrounded by death. I am not mentally folding up in a ball. I am a parachute. I am free. I am flying like a bald eagle. I’m going in a direction where I cannot and will not carry dead weight.
From now on, I am dealing with certain people with a long-handled spoon. "
― Charlena E. Jackson , Pinwheels and Dandelions
171
" Dear Maze,
My mind is a maze, and I do not know what to do. Apparently, I entered this maze before I was born. There was no way I had control over it because this was not a path that I would have chosen. Each level is mind- boggling because the number of paths is more challenging. The levels are uneven. When I try to climb up a hill, you unfairly tilt the maze, and I am right back at the entrance. I am not lost because I am finding my way, but when I am one step away from the end, you close the door, and another door appears—it opens, and it is another maze that I have to figure out. This time the puzzle is trickier than the last fourteen that were inconsiderately given to me.
You know that Kace will be in deep trouble if my mother gets custody of him. He is too young. He cannot handle the tides. He wouldn’t know how to ease the currents. He would be a dead soul floating lifeless in the turbulent waters. Mr. & Mrs. Maze, I will gladly make you a deal. I am willing to sacrifice whatever you all need from me to save Kace. My sacrifice will solve each and every problem that Kace may encounter. I will gladly take on every route for Kace, and I will endure every challenge he will have to face. May you grant me mercy?
I promise I will keep my word. "
― Charlena E. Jackson , Pinwheels and Dandelions
172
" Dear Maze,
My mind is a maze, and I do not know what to do. Apparently, I entered this maze before I was born. There was no way I had control over it because this was not a path that I would have chosen. Each level is mind- boggling because the number of paths is more challenging. The levels are uneven. When I try to climb up a hill, you unfairly tilt the maze, and I am right back at the entrance. I am not lost because I am finding my way, but when I am one step away from the end, you close the door, and another door appears—it opens, and it is another maze that I have to figure out. This time the puzzle is trickier than the past years that they were inconsiderately given to me. "
― Charlena E. Jackson , Pinwheels and Dandelions
176
" Dear Earth,
I hear you whispering in my ear. The crisp breeze is telling me a story, and I am so intrigued. The breeze and the gentle wind are telling me that you all are lucky. I agree with them because you have a mother who cares deeply about you so much! You have four seasons, and Mother Nature takes her time to prepare you for the changes to come in such a gentle and comfortable way. I imagine her smiling as she gently pushes the leaves as they dance in the wind. She caresses the leaves while they slowly turn different colors as they change, falling calmly. Fall harvest prepares you for the winter days ahead as you peacefully sleep. Spring awakens you from your well-needed rest. You joyfully bloom with so much grace while the bees playfully enjoy the flowers and the birds sing as the sun rises. By the time summer comes, you are wide awake, enjoying the extended daylight. As fall peacefully tiptoes in, you prepare yourself for a new and prosperous year to come.
Unlike you, all four seasons in my life are always heavier, year after year. Every day of my life is filled with uncertainties. I am free-falling, not knowing where I am going to end up. Although everything is closing in on me, I keep going. Most times, it is hard, but I try to keep a little hope and press on. However, when things do not work out accordingly, I replace hope with a higher perspective of fear and uncertainty. As I admire the soul of the earth and the Grandfather Tree, I am confident that I can try to believe again. We shall see.
Longing to be the soul of the earth. "
― Charlena E. Jackson , Pinwheels and Dandelions
177
" Dear Secrets of the Earth,
You are a place beyond belief. You are home to many, but only a few are able to understand you. When the wind is whooshing, it sounds like wind chimes. When the breeze offers its sweet gestures, it opens my heart and soul to be still and let everything—just be. The sky looks like a painting. It is a limitless portrait! When the streams collide, you can see the reflection of the sea of clouds. When the wind is whistling, it calms the meadow of the thoughts that form in my mind. The night air has such a deep definition of the earthbound because everything is asleep as it is firmly attached to the earth without movement—just resting to prepare for the next day. I always wondered how a wildflower can be so soft when it is stepped on and covered by weeds. It is because the earth has covered it in boundless, endless love. I am a wildflower; there is no such thing as being tamed; we take what is given and somehow find our way. I’ve been to thirteen homes in all. Yet, I still somehow and somewhere let love shine through the darkest hours, which lead to days. However, just like the wildflower, I am still here. Dear Secrets of the Earth, what are your golden rules? Is it to just go with the flow? Love endlessly without regret? Live and learn from your mistakes? Or is it something simple, such as continue to have faith while we reach for the stars? If so, could you give me a boost?
Thank you for your company. "
― Charlena E. Jackson , Pinwheels and Dandelions
