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The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary QUOTES

The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary QUOTES

1 " Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

2 " Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

3 " Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

4 " Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

5 " HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

6 " Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

7 " NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

8 " EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbour's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime, the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his gluteus maximus. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

9 " Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

10 " Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably out to be. His chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

11 " ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

12 " MAN, n.
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

13 " AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

14 " POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

15 " GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

16 " BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

17 " Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

18 " Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

19 " Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

20 " Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence. "

― Ambrose Bierce , The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary