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The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad QUOTES

The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad QUOTES

1 " I think if you live in Brooklyn and you order pizza from a Dominos, you're a loser. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, but I believe if you order a Brooklyn Dominos pizza, you're going to Hell. This is based in scripture. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

2 " Pizza is a Band Aid for so many problems. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

3 " My brain is like a Snapple cap. It can hold one piece of information at a time. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

4 " I don’t go to church, but I regularly attend the Museum of Natural History. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

5 " A joke should never end with “I’m joking. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

6 " This book is an experiment. We figured it out as we went along. Sort of like a family. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

7 " Jokes have been ruined by people who aren’t good at telling jokes. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

8 " I’m not immediately in love with our monkey. I’m committed to our monkey. I start trying to figure out how to finance our life with the monkey for the next twenty years. If someone tried to take the monkey, I would have punched that person until they killed me. But I’m not attached to the monkey. I’d like to tell you that I was. Because some people are. And some people aren’t. And the ones who aren’t generally don’t tell you that they aren’t. I would do anything for our baby monkey. But it doesn’t mean I understand our baby monkey. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

9 " We joke about things we're most anxious about to diffuse the anxiety of the actual threat. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

10 " Jokes have been ruined by people who aren't good at telling jokes. A joke should never end with 'I'm joking. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

11 " Jokes have been ruined by people who aren't good at telling jokes. A joke should never end with "I'm Joking. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

12 " Aging is like climbing to the top of a mountain and then you either jump off and die or inch your way down until you fall to your death. I never imagined the inching part, just the climbing. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

13 " Writing is always a process of trial and error, but this was writing about my own errors, so the errors felt compounded, like I was re-living my own mistakes and failing at that too. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

14 " What does it mean to be a decent neighbor? I think part of it is just listening to people in the context in which they intend their words. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

15 " Look, no one really does the dishes in our apartment and that’s worked out just fine for the two of us. The dishes in our sink get cleaned on a need-to-use basis. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

16 " Cynical is: The glass is half empty. Skeptical is more like: Is that even a glass? Is this even water? "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

17 " We all ask for things in ways we understand and expect other people to understand, instead of entering their perspective "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

18 " Aging is like climbing to the top of a mountain and then you either jump off and die or inch your way down until you fall to your death. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

19 " I was this pudgy milkless vice president of the family. Huge title, no power, also oversees Congress. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad

20 " You don’t choose what you remember in life, but for some reason I remember all the times I tried. "

― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad