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1 " Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you. "
― , Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
2 " I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one. "
3 " I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk. "
4 " They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R. "
5 " I think if you live in Brooklyn and you order pizza from a Dominos, you're a loser. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, but I believe if you order a Brooklyn Dominos pizza, you're going to Hell. This is based in scripture. "
― , The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad
6 " Pizza is a Band Aid for so many problems. "
7 " My brain is like a Snapple cap. It can hold one piece of information at a time. "
8 " The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short. "
9 " I don’t go to church, but I regularly attend the Museum of Natural History. "
10 " A joke should never end with “I’m joking. "
11 " This book is an experiment. We figured it out as we went along. Sort of like a family. "
12 " Jokes have been ruined by people who aren’t good at telling jokes. "
13 " I’m not immediately in love with our monkey. I’m committed to our monkey. I start trying to figure out how to finance our life with the monkey for the next twenty years. If someone tried to take the monkey, I would have punched that person until they killed me. But I’m not attached to the monkey. I’d like to tell you that I was. Because some people are. And some people aren’t. And the ones who aren’t generally don’t tell you that they aren’t. I would do anything for our baby monkey. But it doesn’t mean I understand our baby monkey. "
14 " We joke about things we're most anxious about to diffuse the anxiety of the actual threat. "
15 " Jokes have been ruined by people who aren't good at telling jokes. A joke should never end with 'I'm joking. "
16 " Jokes have been ruined by people who aren't good at telling jokes. A joke should never end with "I'm Joking. "
17 " Aging is like climbing to the top of a mountain and then you either jump off and die or inch your way down until you fall to your death. I never imagined the inching part, just the climbing. "
18 " Writing is always a process of trial and error, but this was writing about my own errors, so the errors felt compounded, like I was re-living my own mistakes and failing at that too. "
19 " What does it mean to be a decent neighbor? I think part of it is just listening to people in the context in which they intend their words. "
20 " Look, no one really does the dishes in our apartment and that’s worked out just fine for the two of us. The dishes in our sink get cleaned on a need-to-use basis. "