Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself QUOTES

1 " If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a fact, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system,” wrote Dr. Wayne W. Dyer in Your Erroneous Zones.2 "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

2 " Taking care of myself is a big job. No wonder I avoided it for so long. —ANONYMOUS "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

3 " We Are Lovable
Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

4 " Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

5 " Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label "codependent." They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

6 " A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

7 " Once they have been affected---once "it" sets in---codependency takes on a life of its own. It is similar to catching pneumonia or picking up a destructive habit. Once you've got it, you've got it.

If you want to get rid of it, YOU have to do something to make it go away. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

8 " Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern... Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily — focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detachment involves "present moment living" — living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

9 " [Reactionaries] Just feeling urgent and compulsive is enough to hurt us. We keep ourselves in a crisis state...ready to react to emergencies that aren't really emergencies. Someone does something, so we must do something back. Someone says something, so we must say something. Someone feels a certain way, so we must feel a certain way. WE JUMP INTO THE FIRST FEELING THAT COMES OUR WAY AND THEN WALLOW IN IT. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

10 " Failure to follow desire, to do what you want to do most, paves the way to mediocrity. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

11 " Furthermore, worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

12 " We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts; but don’t forfeit your self-esteem to another’s disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. If you have done something inappropriate or you need to solve a problem or change a behavior, then take appropriate steps to take care of yourself. But don’t reject yourself, and don’t give so much power to other people’s rejection of you. It isn’t necessary "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

13 " We don’t have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying “If you loved me you wouldn’t drink” to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying “If you loved me, you wouldn’t cough” to someone who has pneumonia. Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alcoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you—they are saying they don’t love themselves. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

14 " ...the pain that comes from loving someone who's in trouble can be profound. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

15 " I know when to say no and when to say yes. I take responsibility for my choices. The victim? She went somewhere else. The only one who can truly victimize me is myself, and 99 percent of the time I choose to do that no more. But I need to continue to remember the key principles: boundaries, letting go, forgiveness after feeling my feelings—not before, self-expression, loving others but loving myself, too. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

16 " Many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims—of someone’s abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems. Something came our way, something we didn’t ask for, and it hurt us terribly. That is sad, truly sad. But an even sadder fact is that many of us codependents began to see ourselves as victims. Our painful history repeats itself. As caretakers, we allow people to victimize us, and we participate in our victimization by perpetually rescuing people. Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

17 " We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

18 " The formula is simple: In any given situation, detach and ask, “What do I need to do to take care of myself? "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

19 " We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth. We don’t have to be embarrassed if someone we love chooses to behave inappropriately. It’s normal to react that way, but we don’t have to continue to feel embarrassed and less than if someone else continues to behave inappropriately. Each person is responsible for his or her behavior. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

20 " Codependents make great employees. They don’t complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly—at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful. "

― Melody Beattie , Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself