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1 " Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates. "
― Bauvard , Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
2 " The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes. "
3 " The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners. "
4 " Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak. "
5 " Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life. "
6 " I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed. "
7 " I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains. "
8 " Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion. "
9 " Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn? "
10 " I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment. "
― Bauvard , I Had a Dream About You
11 " I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers. "
12 " If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other. "
13 " The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming. "
14 " Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers. "
15 " When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence. "
16 " Artists are the serfs of a leisure society. "
17 " I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’. "
18 " Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks. "
19 " I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me. "
20 " Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous. "
