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41 " Often it is the person who is being abused who is presented as the identified patient (the one with the problem). Because emotional abuse causes a person to doubt [their] perceptions, and to blame [themselves] for all the problems in the relationship, the abused party often takes on the role of the identified patient quite willingly. The abuser not only goes unrecognized but can also feel bolstered by the counseling experience as [their] perceptions are validated (..). "
― Beverly Engel , The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
42 " (..) physical behavior that can be considered emotional abuse (..): symbolic violence. This includes intimidating behavior such as slamming doors, kicking a wall, throwing dishes, furniture, or other objects, driving recklessly while the victim is in the car, and destroying or threatening to destroy objects the victim values. Even milder forms of violence such as shaking a fist or finger at the victim, making threatening gestures or faces, or acting like he or she wants to kill the victim carry symbolic threats of violence. "
43 " Compassion is the essence of self-esteem. When you have compassion for yourself, you understand and accept yourself the way you are. You tend to see yourself as basically good. If you make a mistake, you forgive yourself. You have reasonable expectations of yourself. You set attainable goals. Compassion is a skill. That means you can improve it if you already have it, or you can acquire it if you don’t. "
― Beverly Engel , Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame
44 " (..) it is quite common for those with a history of emotional abuse to feel they are being victimized, even when they are the ones who are being abusive. (..) First, many who were emotionally abused in childhood (especially those who were physically or emotionally rejected or abandoned by one or both parents) are extremely sensitive to any perceived rejection or abandonment from others. (..) Second, those who were emotionally abused in childhood or in a previous relationship—especially those who were overly controlled or emotionally smothered—are often extremely sensitive to anything that seems remotely like control, even when they themselves are controlling. To these people, even commitment can feel like emotional suffocation. Therefore, if they constantly create chaos in the relationship, it gives them a sense of freedom from the stifling confinement of intimacy. Third, one of the most common effects of a history of abuse is hypersensitivity. Those with an abusive past often develop a radar system tuned to pick up any comment or action from others that could be interpreted as being negative. (..) Victims of childhood emotional abuse are notorious for flying off the handle at the least provocation. "
45 " The truth is, few people put up with emotional abuse as an adult unless they were abused as a child. And nearly every person who becomes emotionally abusive has a history of such abuse in childhood. "
46 " Rescuing or enabling is not an act of love. We don't rescue because we love; we rescue because we want to gain a false sense of control over someone else. We rescue because we are repeating a pattern from childhood as a way of avoiding our feelings of helplessness. We rescue because we assume the other person can't handle the responsibility of his own feelings, because we can't tell the truth, because we can't say no, or because we are afraid the other person will get angry with us. And, most important, we rescue because we don't feel good about ourselves. We don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed. We don't feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to be 'good' by rescuing someone else. "
― Beverly Engel , The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
47 " An individual or a couple can remain locked in a prison of conflict, humiliation, fear, and anger for years without realizing that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. (..) Often, emotional abuse between couples is denied, made light of, or written off as simple conflicts or “love-spats” when in fact one or both partners are being severely damaged psychologically. "
48 " (..) if something goes wrong in his environment, a man tends to look outside himself first for the cause of the problem. According to research, this tendency is based partly on the male biological tendency to take action (versus introspection) and partly on the male ego, which encourages him to blame others and not take responsibility for his actions. Conversely, if something goes wrong in her environment, a woman will tend to look inside herself for the cause of the problem. "
49 " Many people get confused about the purpose of speaking up. They feel that unless the other person hears their points of view and accepts it, it was a wasted effort. However, the purpose of speaking up is not to change the other person's point of view, but merely to assert yours. In some sense, it doesn't matter whether the other person even heard you, much less was persuaded by you. What matters is that you were able to speak your mind, that you didn't squelch your ideas and feelings. Once you begin to assert yourself without any expectations, you will gain more self-esteem and the courage to continue speaking up. "
50 " When emotional abuse is mutual, it becomes a matter of survival (..) each partner becomes less and less self-assured, each clings to the relationship even more. A destructive cycle is created—even as the relationship becomes more and more abusive, each person becomes more dependent (..). "
51 " The child who hates the parent becomes rigid—unable to let in love. He is so filled with shame that he feels that he cannot take in any further shame. He protects himself by making sure he is always “right.” Such a person often becomes controlling, shaming, and/or abusive. "
― Beverly Engel , It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion
52 " Seventy-eight percent of stalking victims are women. "
― Beverly Engel , The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself
53 " Even though no one else can give you what you missed as a child, this doesn't mean you are doomed to never receive it. There is one person who can give you what you missed on- what you so desperately need and desire. That person is you. "
54 " When we feel guilt, we feel badly about something we did or neglected to do. When we feel shame, we feel badly about who we are. Put another way: guilty people fear punishment, shamed people fear abandonment. When we feel guilty we need to learn it’s okay to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn it’s okay to be who we are. "
55 " Unfortunately, you may have lost touch with this inner sense because of the way you were raised and by the messages you received to the contrary. "
56 " Selfawareness—recognizing a feeling as it happens—is the keystone of emotional intelligence . . . the ability to monitor feelings from moment to moment is crucial to psychological insight and understanding. . . . People with greater certainty about their feelings are better pilots of their lives, having a surer sense of how they really feel about personal decisions. "
