The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16) QUOTES

1 " ...they grab you off the street without warning, sack over your head and into the back of a van. Variation on tough love, but incredible success rate... "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

2 " What kind of lists?” “You know: best of, worst of, one hundred reasons why making lists prevents you from doing something meaningful. Let’s start "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

3 " That’s fear talking,” said Serge. “Fear’s a bullshit artist. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

4 " Armageddon reigns, and survival on this planet gets down to brass tacks, the last three left standing will be cockroaches, viruses and probate attorneys. Fade to black, check please. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

5 " The number one directive of any decent Master Plan is unlimited sub–Master Plans. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

6 " The pair sat relaxed and stared toward U.S. 1 at nothing in particular. Coleman rested his joint on the edge of the window and popped a beer. “This is the life.” “You said it, buddy.” Serge uncapped a bottle of water. “Florida, a full tank of gas, and no appointments. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

7 " Oh, I’m with the government all right,” said Serge. “But when I say ‘with,’ I mean in the context of I’m in favor of it because otherwise there are no streets or postage stamps, and everyone wanders the woods carrying their own mail and looking at the sun to know when to eat until there’s an eclipse and everyone’s blind. That’s why you should vote. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

8 " Caught’ is a funny word,” said Serge. “Most criminals catch themselves, like getting stuck at three A.M. in an air duct over a car-stereo store, and the people opening up in the morning hear crying and screaming from the ceiling, and the fire department has to get him out with spatulas and butter. If your arrest involves a lot of butter, or, even more embarrassing, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, then you actually need to go to jail, if for nothing else just some hang time to inner-reflect. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

9 " The brain wasn’t engineered to deal with that rarefied level of dumbness. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

10 " Chasing is in police DNA memory, like Labradors running after sticks,” said Serge. “They probably don’t even know why they do it. They just put the lights on and go, and a while later the partner who isn’t behind the wheel says, ‘Why are we stopping?’ ‘Something inside just told me to because there’s a really cool crash up ahead. It’s weird; I can’t explain it. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

11 " He’s coming off the bridge,” said Serge. “The rocks will start soon.” “Rocks?” “It’s local tradition, and another reason I love the Keys.” Serge stood and put on his sneakers. “It’s our version of when those people went out to the overpasses and waved at O. J. Simpson during the slow-motion chase. Except in the Keys, when there’s a high-speed pursuit on TV heading south, the locals line the road and wait for the car to come off the bridge to Key Largo. Last time was around Christmas.” “You’re right.” Coleman pointed at the TV again. “They’re lining the side of the road. They’re throwing rocks.” “And we’re at Mile Marker 105, so that gives us about three minutes.” Serge tightened the Velcro straps on his shoes. “Let’s go throw rocks. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

12 " But what do you think all that shooting was about?” “It’s U.S. 1,” said Serge. “So it doesn’t have to be about anything. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

13 " It only fed my post office psychosis. Whenever I’m in one, and almost to the counter, I keep repeating to myself: ‘Please don’t put out the “Position Closed” sign; please don’t put out the “Position Closed” sign; dear God, don’t let him put out the sign; please, please, please, I’m almost to the counter! I made it! I finally made it! He didn’t put out the . . . Wait, what’s he reaching for? . . . Fuck! "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

14 " Florida City?” Coleman dropped a Vicodin. “So that’s what that string of motels is called?” Serge nodded. “Actually a funny story. Used to be called Detroit.” Coleman swigged a pint of Rebel Yell. “Now you’re making fun of me because I’m wrecked.” “Swear to God. You can look it up,” said Serge. “I wouldn’t shit you.” “I know,” said Coleman. “I’m your favorite turd.” “And naming it Detroit wasn’t even an accident, like the other times when two pioneer families set up shop in the sticks and there’s no one else around to stop them, and they’re chugging moonshine by the campfire, ‘What should we call this place?’ ‘Fuck it, I already spent enough effort today running from wild pigs,’ and then you end up with a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas—you can look that up, too. Except modern-day Florida City started as an ambitious land development with hard-sell advertising and giant marketing geniuses behind the project. Then they had the big meeting to concoct a name: ‘I got it! What do people moving to Florida really want? To be in Michigan! "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

15 " Another tip to weld society together. Give the person up to bat at the ATM plenty of space so they’re not nervous about you peeking at their PIN number or slipping a blade between their ribs the second the money spits out. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

16 " It’s the big new bridge,” said Serge. “Takes you right across Lake What-the-Fuck.” “Is that another real name?” “No,” said Serge. “That’s what I call it. It’s really named Lake Surprise. But surprise is usually something good that provides delight, like winning the lottery or reaching in the back of the fridge and finding an unexpected jar of olives. But this lake got its name because it pissed people off.” “How’d it do that?” “Another funny story. When Henry Flagler started the Overseas Railroad down the Keys, he looked for the route with the most land, because bridges over water cost more. So he sent out surveyors, and they began laying tracks south from the mainland of Florida, across some little islands and an isthmus to Key Largo. And I can’t believe they built that far before realizing that right in the middle of a big chunk of land was this giant lake, and now they have to build an extra bridge that wasn’t in the budget. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

17 " Unless the South Beach techno-dance clubs outbid them. They don’t have live bands, just DJs up in a booth. And the DJs are now celebrities like Mick Jagger, with their own dance-mix followers who make pilgrimages club to club to hear them turn on the music. When did a stereo become a musical instrument?” Serge leaned forward and clicked on the car radio. “There, I’m an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

18 " Route 27 was the spinal cord of Florida, practically vacant since the interstates, which took them up through towns with main streets that had the same early-evening closing hours since 1957. The only signs of life were the parking lights of local police cars on side streets, waiting for the local delinquents. Clewiston, Sebring, Clermont, Leesburg. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

19 " You’re like the guy in those Dos Equis beer ads: ‘He is the most interesting man in the world . . . Children’s tearless shampoo still makes him cry. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)

20 " We’re dealing with one of the worst kinds of killer.” “What kind’s that?” asked the lieutenant. “Patient. "

― Tim Dorsey , The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms, #16)