Home > Work > Voices in the Family: A Therapist Talks About Listening, Openness Healing
1 " We parents are in the process of losing parts of ourselves, of waking up each morning to find ourselves changed by our children. We may fantasize that we are not really changed, that we can go back to poring over Wittgenstein, immersing ourselves in the latest movies, being beach bums- whatever it was that we were before the child or children came into our lives. But part of what we have lost is the part of our identity that is the person-without-children. The parent we are now has a life inextricably entwined not only without our past life and our private selves but also with the lives of our children. "
― Daniel Gottlieb , Voices in the Family: A Therapist Talks About Listening, Openness Healing
2 " More often than not, it’s disrespectful to them (our children) - and disrespectful to their struggle with their tasks in life- if our own anxiety as parents makes us cling to our children. It’s disrespectful is we demand more intimacy than they are willing or able to give. Too much involvement with our children is not an act of love- it’s an act of selfishness. "
3 " As our children turn even five or six degrees away from us, we have to be aware of our fear and our excitement and our hope for them. And as that five or sex degrees turns into ten or twenty degrees, even ninety degrees, we have to monitor those feelings every step of the way-and ultimately realize that our child is another human being and not necessarily and extension of us. "
4 " I think honesty and love help to create the safety that children need to just be children. If we want them to “fix” us, to cure us, to make us better, then we are not being honest with ourselves; we know that children can’t heal us or heal our relationships with others. That is beyond their capabilities, and it is certainly not their responsibility. "
5 " Children don't learn from lessons or teaching. They learn from what we honestly have to say about our feelings, and they learn from our behavior. "
6 " It’s very difficult to give up on things we can’t control. And that’s what a divorce represents. It represents the ultimate loss of control, a marriage and a mate we can’t control. And if we give up on the mate and the marriage, by acknowledging that loss, we can free ourselves of the anger and resentment - and that will liberate our children. Finally, children are not affected by our grief and mourning. They are affected by our inability to grieve and mourn. "
7 " If we feel guilty about some aspect of our sexuality, I hope we can understand where that's coming from within ourselves and take responsibility for it. But feeling guilty is not taking responsibility; that comes with understanding the true origins of our guilt. And when that happens, it makes sexuality less burdensome for our children. It may not heal the scars and might not undo the damage, but it will certainly open some doors in their lives. "
