Home > Work > The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee
21 " At the time that this book is being written, I am single. If you've ever heard that song by Beyoncé, "Single Ladies", I am one of the people she's singing about. I have to be, because she sings, "All the single ladies." If she didn't mean to include me in that, then she really needs to choose her words more carefully. "
― Sarah Silverman , The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee
22 " If life is a meal, then diaries are the toilets in which we shit out its vile remnants. "
23 " If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager's face. Instead, I hugged him. (about getting the SNL gig as a writer) "
24 " I looked up at this train car full of strangers, and my heart soared. In New Hampshire, I'd always felt like a goat among sheep; until I got to New York it had never occurred to me that there could be a place filled with other goats. "
25 " If you’ve ever heard that song by Beyoncé, “Single Ladies,” I am one of the people she’s singing about. I have to be, because she sings, “All the single ladies.” If she didn’t mean to include me in that, then she really needs to choose her words more carefully. "
26 " I know I'm not funny. I mean, let's face it, I'm no Groucho Marx. But if you're a guy, and you're watching late night television, are you gonna start jacking off to Groucho? I don't think so! "
27 " When my father first came home from college, he sat my grandparents down to tell them some very serious news. They followed him quizzically into the living room, and from the bantam couch stared up at their nervous, pacing son."I'm gay," he announced.They sat stunned for a moment, and just as his mother started to cry he said,"Just kidding. I smoke. "
28 " Look, I get it. Loose stools are grosser than solid ones. But the censor is using the context of her own life history with all her hang-ups to answer the question, "Is there a defensible ratio of fiber to water in this stool? "
29 " Make It a Treat” is similar in spirit to “everything in moderation,” but still very distinct. “Moderation” suggests a regular, low-level intake of something. MIAT asks for more austerity; it encourages you to keep the special things in life special. I apply this rule in a variety of ways. For instance, I wear makeup and high heels on special occasions. But if I dressed up all the time, it would become ordinary, and I would receive fewer compliments. "
30 " You might think that the most sensitive, empathetic person would make the best social worker, but that person would end up being soup on the floor. It really takes someone strong—someone, dare I say, with a big fat wall up—to work in a pool of heartbreak all day and not want to fucking kill yourself. "
31 " The anxiety of being in Heather's stuff was stress-gravy on an already terror-filled plate. "
32 " It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it. "
33 " I remembah when you whuh a tiny baby and I had to lift those tiny legs and wipe the SHIT out of you-ah tuchus. It was fuckin’ disgustin’. "
34 " I don’t think people really understand the value of happiness until they know what it’s like to be in that very, very dark place. It’s not romantic. Not even a little. "
35 " (I was in love with Sherlock Holmes—I even had a fingerprinting kit that I used everywhere—proving my mother’s use of Tampax or that my sister once held the candy bowl.) "