Home > Work > Under Rose-Tainted Skies
1 " Mental health is usually the last place people go when they think about someone being sick. "
― Louise Gornall , Under Rose-Tainted Skies
2 " They (...) call what I have an invisible illness, but I often wonder if they're really looking. Beyond the science stuff. It doesn't bleed or swell, itch or crack, but I see it, right there on my face. It's like decay, this icky green colour, as if my life were being filmed through a grey filter. I lack light, am an entire surface area that the sun can't touch. "
3 " It's about changing the way I think. Which sounds so simple, but whether I like to admit it or not, anxiety has become my best friend. It's a crutch that helps me hobble through life. It's the brassy bitch at school that I don't like, but being her BFF makes me popular. Or the school bully that I don't really want to be around, but being his friend means I don't get beat up. I don't know how to be safe without it. We're buddies. It's like they say: keep your friends close, your enemies closer. "
4 " See, anxiety doesn’t just stop. You can have nice moments, minutes where it shrinks, but it doesn’t leave. It lurks in the background like a shadow, like that important assignment you have to do but keep putting off or the dull ache that follows a three-day migraine. The best you can hope for is to contain it, make it as small as possible so it stops being intrusive. Am I coping? Yes, but it’s taking a monumental amount of effort to keep the dynamite inside my stomach from exploding. The "
5 " Sometimes things are going to happen and the only way out is through. "
6 " I'm being forced to challenge ideas that have kept me safe for so long. There's an entire library of information in my head, and suddenly I can't decide if any of it is worth reading. "
7 " Effect and outcome.''Exactly. We can assume the best, but we can't choose how people perceive us. We can, however, choose how those views affect us. "
8 " I just want to have proof that I can think straight, that I am more than the girl who believes that odd numbers will cause a catastrophe. "
9 " Beauty comes from how you treat people and how you behave. But if a little lipstick makes you smile, then you should wear it and forget what anyone else thinks. "
10 " Your mind adapts to what worse is. Suddenly, that thing that seemed so terrifying at first is dwarfed by the next challenge that comes your way. But you adapt again and again and again, until you find yourself fearless. "
11 " But something doesn't feel right. My mind is attempting sabotage, refusing to find the beauty, the fun, the exciting in watching what are essentially pretty explosives. "
12 " Perfection is a feeling; you’ll know it if you’ve ever questioned the competency of your penmanship before writing on the first page of a new notebook. "
13 " You’re brave, did you know that?’He must have me mistaken for someone else. ‘You have all these fears, your body endures all this pain and heartache, but you keep going. I think that’s really brave.’I shake my head. My mind is telling me that he’s wrong. Brave is swords and shields. People who are fearless in the face of adversity. Warriors for social justice. Brave is not me. But my heart registers the way he’s looking at me now, and my shoulders straighten. I feel shiny, normal. "
14 " It's such a noble word, unconditional. Brave. Blindly committing to situations it knows nothing about. "
15 " You don’t look very sick...""How grossly inappropriate of you to notice,’ I reply, fighting hard to keep my voice even. "
16 " But it’s like my mind and my brain are two separate things, working against each other. I can’t get them to cooperate. "
17 " Worry is such a drama queen. It takes the smallest thing, makes it so big and bulky that you can’t see the obvious anymore. "
18 " Hi.’ I’m a little out of breath when I answer the door. Worse when I’m done soaking up his smile.‘You like vanilla ice cream, right?’ he says, holding up a brown paper bag. ‘Not the vanilla pod stuff. I remembered that thing you said about not liking black bits in your food. Assumed you were being literal.’ See. He does understand.‘Aww,’ Mom coos from inside the mouth of the couch. "
19 " The clouds in her sky are always rose-colored, which I know is a beautiful way to be. Alas, I have a mind that muddies everything. My skies aren’t so pretty; more tainted with fear than tinted with whimsy. "
20 " We can assume the best, but we can’t choose how people perceive us. We can, however, choose how those views affect us. "
