Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do QUOTES

1 " Many people will not be honest because they fear loss of intimacy and togetherness. In reality, honesty brings people closer together, for it will strengthen their identities. The more you realize your separate identities, the closer you can become. Telling loved ones what is really on your mind and telling others what you really think is the foundation of love. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

2 " If we demand perfection from ourselves we are not living in the real world...The inherent problem in the relationship between the ideal & the real is that the ideal judges the real as unacceptable and brings down condemnation and wrath on the real. This sets up an adversarial relationship between the two and like all adversaries, they move further and further apart. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

3 " Denial of one's need for others is the most common type of defense against bonding. If people come from a situation, whether growing up or later in life, where good, safe relationships were not available to them, they learn to deny that they even want them. Why want what you can't have? They slowly get rid of their awareness of the need. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

4 " Sometimes we represent our weakness as if it were bad. We don’t think it’s okay to be weak…We have been injured in many ways and our real self houses all of the evidence of those injuries. The pain, the brokenness and the emotional underdevelopment we all possess is part of who we really are. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

5 " fruit of passive-aggressive people. These people resist demands by indirect tactics. They will not take responsibility for their own choices; instead, they turn around and blame someone else for making them do it. Or they will agree to do things that they don’t really want to do, and then gripe about the person behind her back. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

6 " When people are vulnerable to control, they feel that they are selfish for deciding what to do with their own property. In reality, deciding for ourselves is the only way we can ever have true love, for then we are giving freely. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

7 " It is extremely important to be able to make negative assertions. We must be able to say what is ‘not me’ in order to have a ‘me’. What we like has no meaning unless we know what we don’t like. Our yes has no meaning if we never say no. My chosen profession has no passion if ‘just anyone would do’. Our opinions and thoughts mean very little if there is nothing we disagree with. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

8 " Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

9 " Victims declare,“The world is responsible for me,” and never do anything to better their quality of life. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

10 " The sad thing is that many of us come to Christ because we are sinners, and then spend the rest of our lives trying to pretend that we are not! "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

11 " Grace is the first ingredient necessary for growing up in the image of God. Grace is unbroken, uninterrupted, unearned, accepting relationship. It is the kind of relationship humanity had with God in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were loved and provided for. They knew God’s truth, and they had perfect freedom to do God’s will. In short, they were secure; they had no shame and anxiety. They could be who they truly were. Perhaps you have experienced this kind of love and grace with someone. You can be exactly who you are. You do not need to hide your thoughts or feelings; you do not need to perform; you do not need to do anything to be loved. Someone knows the real you, and loves you anyway. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

12 " There is no simple theological answer to pain; the answer is a relationship with God in the midst of pain. Those who need things in neat little black-and-white packages cannot tolerate such a faith. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

13 " Time is an important ingredient for growth, but sometimes we pass through time and get better; at other times we pass through time and do not get better. Why? That’s because of what I call “good time” and “bad time.” From our vantage point, time is present experience. The only time we have is whatever we are experiencing at the present moment. Going forward or back in time is impossible. Right this instant is the only place where we can ever live. When we truly live in time, which is where we are now, we are present with our experience. We are present in the “here and now.” We are aware of our experience. If we are not aware of our experience, or are not experiencing some aspect of ourselves, that part is removed from time and is not affected by it. Change only takes place in “good time.” Good time is time in which we and our experiences can be affected by grace and truth. If we have removed some aspect of ourselves from time, grace and truth cannot transform it. Whatever aspect of ourselves that we leave outside of experience, that we leave in “bad time,”goes unchanged. Grace and truth cannot affect the part of ourselves we won’t bring into experience. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

14 " It is easy to say we love others, but difficult to allow them the freedom inherent in love. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

15 " A despairing person should have kindness from his friend, said Job, “lest he forsake the fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14 NASB). Job recognized, as only a person in pain can do, that simple answers not only fail to relieve pain, they can literally drive a person further away from God. The hurting person who takes this sort of advice to heart often has two problems instead of one: the pain she originally had, plus the guilt over not being able to apply the answers she was given. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

16 " WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WAS BONDING. Bonding is one of the most basic and foundational ideas in life and the universe. It is a basic human need. God created us with a hunger for relationship—for relationship with him and with our fellow people. At our very core we are relational beings. Without a solid, bonded relationship, the human soul will become mired in psychological and emotional problems. The soul cannot prosper without being connected to others. No matter what characteristics we possess, or what accomplishments we amass, without solid emotional connectedness, without bonding to God and other humans, we, like Joan and Robbie, will suffer sickness of the soul. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

17 " Other Christians may try to tell you what your values should be, but they are not perfect. You must take responsibility for your own choices. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

18 " (re: Grace and Truth + Time = Growth)

"Grace is the first ingredient necessary for growing up in the image of God. Grace is unbroken, uninterrupted, unearned, accepting relationship...Grace, then, is the relational aspect of God's character.
[...]
Truth is the second ingredient necessary...truth is the structural aspect of [God's] character. Truth is the skeleton life hangs upon; it adds shape to everything in the universe. God's truth leads us to what is real, to what is accurate.
[...]
Time is not just an act of God's grace, to us, 'giving us some space.' God is much too loving to allow us to continue in sin for one moment longer than necessary. Time is not a luxury, but a necessity. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

19 " Many people do not think very often about what they think about. They just let their thoughts live inside their head, without observing or questioning them. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do

20 " The law of sowing and reaping is the most trustworthy law of behavior. "

― Henry Cloud , Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do