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21 " And he was standing there, reading one of those big books. You know the kind. Usually you can’t even understand their stupid titles, and when you try to read them you get one word in and get really sleepy. And it’s so stupid to try anyway, because if the stupid book is any good they’ll make a TV movie out of it and then you can watch that instead "
― Norm Macdonald , Based on a True Story
22 " When it's unexpected, death comes fast like a ravenous wolf and tears open your throat with a merciful fury. But when it's expected, it comes slow and patient like a snake, and the doctor tells you how far away it is and when, exactly it will be at your door. And when it will be at the foot of your bed. And when it will be on your flesh. It's all right there on the clipboards. "
23 " an addiction is a deep hook, and sometimes the harder you wriggle to escape her, the deeper she goes. "
24 " The only time having a cult following is a great thing is when you are actually in a cult. "
25 " I hate when people say “touché” after you say something funny. I don’t know what it means, but I know that I hate it. "
26 " Long after I left the segment, the term “fake news” became the ordinary way to describe what was done on SNL as well as The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. So who’s the idiot now? "
27 " As Adolf Hitler once said, all publicity is good publicity. "
28 " When I was right beside Ben Matlock, I threw the Archie comic away and grabbed the biggest, thickest book I could find and turned to a random page. Then I loudly said, “What the fuck? I certainly didn’t see that shit coming.” Ben Matlock turned his back to me. "
29 " and I always considered Elton John to be a great singer as well as a hot piece of ass. "
30 " And suddenly I found myself an old man standing in a doorway as Mr. Macdonald spoke of how he didn’t trust Eskimos and never would. I had never felt such instant animus toward anyone "
31 " It’s funny how something as small as the news of a teenager being slaughtered and tossed in a ravine can be enough to lift the spirits of an entire set full of important Hollywood people. "
32 " Oh, I thought everybody knew you jerked off punks underneath the Queensboro Bridge for fifteen dollars a man.” “Don’t say that anymore.” “Okay, sorry. I didn’t know you told me in confidence.” “Don’t you remember I was crying when I told you? "
33 " On the final night, Adam Sandler told me the following season would be a rough, divisive one, and he wanted to know which side I’d take. I told him I wanted to be on the side of the guy who had shoved the baby tomatoes up his ass. Adam smiled. "
34 " Well, the thing is, Norm, you are absolutely correct,” said Lorne. “Jim is nonpareil.” Then he just looked at me. A long time passed—maybe forty-five minutes—until I finally said, “All right, all right. What’s that word mean? "
35 " If my job was to shovel, and shovel until eight hours had passed, then my body worked on its own. It had no use for my mind. So my mind would take off to a world of imagination. And that's where stand-up comedy started. "
36 " Our trip has cost Adam Eget his apartment and his job. But it will all soon be over and he’ll be a ranch hand in Montana, and the head ranch hand too. I haven’t told him yet, but I plan on buying him a hat. A cowboy hat. "
37 " everywhere, and "
38 " I cannot find Norm’s essence. It is a problem I’ve never encountered as a ghost, and I need to truly become him to finish the book. It has always been my great gift, the ability to find a person’s essence. But Norm evades me. It must be because I hate him with such intensity. "
39 " Well, you’d think he was a generous hatter and I was the tallest man in the whole wide world, the way he gave me the high hat that day. I "
40 " I will say this about the young boy in the tiny white coffin. Despite the doctor’s dire predictions, the boy was too tough, resolute, and courageous to let something as small as a deadly disease defeat him. No, the boy was made of stronger stuff than that and it took much more to defeat him. It took a three-ton municipal bus moving at forty miles per hour and driven by one Cecil Richard Anderson to defeat this boy.” I heard the deepest of sobs and looked down to see a man wearing some sort of bus driver’s uniform being held up by two women. "