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21 " I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven. "
― Jarod Kintz , A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom
22 " I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are masters at getting into boxes, so here, try opening it with my portable meow maker. "
23 " I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing a gun that shoots love, not bullets.) "
24 " I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes. "
25 " Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that. "
26 " I’m more than just a pretty face. I’m also delusional. "
27 " I’m a lion in my environment. But take me out of my cage, and I’m a lamb. "
28 " Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets. "
29 " I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earning me money while I slept, instead of being folded up neatly in my underwear drawer like it is now. "
30 " I put the “sing” in single. But only when I’m in the shower. "
31 " I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money. "
32 " Don’t bother calling the cops, because nobody can find me here. I know, because after all these years, I’m still trying to find myself. "
33 " To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have harmed anyone, but since you added no value to life, are you really worthy? "
34 " Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith. "
35 " I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the magical bonding that occurs between two people when duct tape binds them together for a long period of time in a dark basement. Refer a friend, and you get a two for one abuse session. "
36 " My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all. "
37 " Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient as the government. "
38 " My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go. "
39 " There’s cat feces in my Batman costume, and all the lines in my screenplay were snorted by the neighborhood cokehead. Ah, but that’s life, no? "
40 " The best part about teamwork, is me collecting all the prize money. Hey, that’s what captains are for, right? "