Home > Work > Stories I'd Tell in Bars
1 " Looking back, my abstinence was less a function of convictions and more because I was too much of a dork to be invited to parties. One doesn’t stumble into many dens of iniquity on the way to a speech meet. Let’s be real here. I’d have snorted rails off a hooker’s ass if a preppy guy named Kip or Trip or Chip handed me the straw. "
― Jen Lancaster , Stories I'd Tell in Bars
2 " Love at first sight is only a thing regarding dogs or designer purses. "
3 " donut can give you the kind of hug from inside that celery just can’t muster. "
4 " Cake loves you unconditionally. "
5 " I’d much rather have margaritas with his parents so I could tell them what a great kid they raised. "
6 " We aren’t happy by accident. This is a conscious choice, one that takes daily action. "
7 " That’s because unsolicited advice can be the match to the accelerant when all the other person needs is a hug. "
8 " Sweat began to pour off me and the contents of my stomach–soft serve ice cream, peach schnapps, and a handful of wax potpourri I’d earlier mistaken for Gummi bears–roiled in an unholy stew. The smell of poached eggs was overwhelming. Without benefit of loafers or coat, I ran outside to vomit in a snowbank. All I could think the entire time was, “Nancy Reagan was right.” After that, I just said no to smoking pot, and, for quite a while, poaching eggs. "
9 " In marriage, and, truly, in life, someone must have the last word. Think about it; how often is the last word the hill on which we’ll die? We’ve all had times in our lives when the conflict’s finally been resolved and everyone’s about to retreat to a neutral corner and then someone can’t help themselves, saying one more thing, and then, bam! World War III. The last word sets the stage for whatever comes next. "
10 " Dog People should be with Dog People and vice versa. If you’re into chasing cars, it’s hard to relate to someone who compulsively bats yarn. "
11 " The only possible exception to this rule applies to those of us in Generation X, where the outnumbering Boomers refused to be budged. (Yeah, thanks for that.) "
12 " Yeah, history repeats itself; it’s called tradition. "
13 " We were promised a night of entertainment, which turned out to be thirty local eight-year-olds dancing the Tarantella for three hours. "
14 " Now, if there’s a Hell–and my actions are predicated in anticipation of this–my version, my eternal punishment includes thirty local eight-year-olds dancing the Tarantella. "
