Home > Work > Choosing Love: Moving from Ego to Essence in Relationships
1 " It’s only when we are identified with the mind (“I think it, therefore it’s true”) that differences become a problem, because then we believe what comes next: the mind’s assertion of what needs to be done about that problem. "
― Gina Lake , Choosing Love: Moving from Ego to Essence in Relationships
2 " useful to see that the ego gets something from judging. It gets to feel superior, right, and separate. It takes pleasure in feeling this way. Notice that this pleasure is the payoff for judging. If there were no payoff, it would be easy to stop judging. Notice the self-righteousness and superiority you feel when you find something to criticize in someone. This is the payoff that is exchanged for love. Is it worth it? You need to decide because you can’t have both. Once you are convinced that love is worth passing up this payoff, you will have to catch the judgments before they are spoken. You will have to be aware enough to notice that conditioning has been triggered and that a choice needs to be made to give the conditioning your attention or not. If you give it your attention, the result will probably be a judgment. If you don’t, the result will likely be love. "
3 " You choose love over whatever the egoic mind is telling you about life, the past, the future, yourself, someone else, or what you should do. You recognize these messages as coming from the ego, and you choose not to listen to them. "
4 " When we relate from Essence, the dominant feeling is acceptance: You allow others to be the way they are. In fact, you celebrate how they are. This doesn’t mean you might not dislike something about them, but the general feeling toward them is that everything is just right as it is. "
5 " Life unfolds as it will regardless of whether we like what’s happening or not. By opposing life, we eventually learn this truth. We learn how impotent our opposition to life is and that this opposition causes only suffering. What’s left is choosing to agree with life—to love whatever is, no matter what that looks like. "
6 " love is allowing: You allow the person to be exactly the way he or she is without any reservations or desires for anything to be different than it is. "
7 " The ego lies in wait for the opportunity to list someone’s supposed faults (according to the ego’s conditioning). So it’s never long before the judgments and reservations begin to flow. "
8 " We all do stupid, careless, or hurtful things that we later regret. If relationships are to last, we have to find a way to not only forgive these indiscretions, but also forget them. "
9 " The way to living without judgments is simply to see the truth about them: They don’t serve us or others. The ego leads us to believe they are important, relevant, and useful, and they just aren’t. Once we see this, we are free to not indulge in them. They may arise in the mind out of habit, but eventually, if we don’t give them our attention, this habit of thinking and talking about others will subside. "
10 " Nothing is ever lost in choosing love. Your judgments never worked anyway. They only created anger, hurt, and separation. When you see the truth of this, it becomes much easier to choose love over judgment. "
11 " As soon as you see you are ego identified, you are outside of it and you have some choice—to either reidentify with the ego or not. "
12 " It doesn’t take the partner’s words and actions personally. "
