QUOTE : What’s behind your back, baby?”<br /><br />“It’s nothing,” she says, her eyes growing bigger the closer I get to her. She starts to turn, and that’s when a big purple dildo fumbles out of her hands, bouncing once before rolling under the bed. “It’s not mine, I swear!” she says, looking distraught, holding up both her hands in front of her.<br /><br />“It’s not your dildo?” I ask, trying not to laugh.<br /><br />“No, it’s my friend’s.”<br /><br />“You have your friend’s dildo?” I c**k my head to the side.<br /><br />“Yes,” she says, her shoulders slumping.<br /><br />“So you’re telling me you keep a dildo…for your friend…in your closet?” I start to laugh.<br /><br />“Oh God, that sounds really stupid.” She covers her face. “I mean, my friend got it for me.”<br /><br />I bend down, picking it up from underneath the bed. The thing is not only bright purple with sparkles, but it has to be at least a foot long and three inches across.<br /><br />“I’m going to kill Maggie,” she whispers with her eyes closed.<br /><br />“Babe, I seriously hope you never tried to use this,” I say, turning it over in my hand.<br /><br />“Oh. My. God. Kill me now,” she groans, her eyes still closed.<br /><br />“Baby.” I laugh so hard that tears start to fall from my eyes.<br /><br />“No, I’m pretending that if I can’t see you, then this isn’t really happening,” she says, making me laugh harder than I have in my entire life.<br /><br />“Look at me,” I finally wheeze out.<br /><br />“Nuh-uh…” she mumbles, eyes still closed.