Bob Odenkirk QUOTES

1 " I told Chris [Farley] and the writers, "Look. Whatever you do, the one thing to remember is: don't start from the ending [of the "van down by the river" sketch]. Start from the beginning, so that you have somewhere to go." Almost every time Chris did that sketch after I left SNL, he started by breaking the table.

I just became one of those dangerous examples of becoming addicted to the big laugh. You become addicted as a performer to that big moment, and you ask yourself, Why am I not just doing my big thing that gets the big reaction? Why am I not just standing up there and doing that? "

― Bob Odenkirk

2 " I told Chris [Farley] and the writers, "Look. Whatever you do, the one thing to remember is: don't start from the ending [of the "van down by the river" sketch]. Start from the beginning, so that you have somewhere to go." Almost every time Chris did that sketch after I left SNL, he started by breaking the table.

It just became one of those dangerous examples of becoming addicted to the big laugh. You become addicted as a performer to that big moment, and you ask yourself, Why am I not just doing my big thing that gets the big reaction? Why am I not just standing up there and doing that? "

― Bob Odenkirk

3 " Jesus Christ went by the name Jesus and was only called “Geez” by his closest friends. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

4 " If I had my life to live over again, I would focus on the getting and eating of ice cream. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

5 " OTHER BOOKS BY THIS AUTHOR SO YOU WANT TO WRITE A BOOK? In this masterpiece of the how-to genre, Bob Odenkirk asks his readers questions such as You want to write a book? Really? Why? Wasn’t this one good enough for you? What about the other twenty billion books you can pick up for free at the library? Oh, I get it, none of them contain your life story. Are you sure? Have you checked? Double-check. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

6 " Whenever someone says, I love writing,' I always think, 'You probably suck at writing. "

― Bob Odenkirk

7 " If you’re ever feeling poorly about yourself, about your lack of achievement, your utter inconsequentiality, your ridiculous little life lived in the shadows—take a moment and write some Internet reviews of other people’s work. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

8 " If you can dream it, you can do it. Not ‘you.’ I mean ‘me.’ I was talking to myself. Did you hear me just now? Forget I said that.” —Walt Disney "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

9 " He laughed aloud, right in my face, at the notion. Here I was, having been farted upon and laughed at all in the space of a few seconds. I felt smaller than a raisin—a small raisin. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

10 " The eyes in your hearts are hopeful! Hopeful eyes that fly with wings! Blind to hatred, blind to retribution. Blind eyes that fly! Think about that! Boy oh boy oh boy, that’s something, isn’t it? "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

11 " If I had lived five hundred years ago I wouldn’t have spent my time carving a bunch of wood so it could be hung forty feet in the air somewhere, I would have been trying to invent air-conditioning. Well, "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

12 " When you get to the end of the gallery, turn right—or left, whichever way you want, it doesn’t matter—and "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

13 " Point three has been CUT. You WILL NEVER KNOW what point three was. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

14 " TV has gone down the craphole…and NO, that was NOT the third point. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

15 " MY BELT is too long. I had to add a hole to it and it looks homemade and crappy and the excess belt just hangs out there, FLAPPING ABOUT. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

16 " I rarely paid for the inky blather, but the mechanics of Mad are good circuitry to burn into any future comedy writer’s brain. "

― Bob Odenkirk , Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama

17 " Then you’ve got the guys who watch the guards and the guys who watch the guys who watch the guards. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

18 " OBIT FOR THE CREATOR OF MAD LIBS On Tuesday, in Canton, Connecticut, a town famous for the stickiness of its boogers, a stinky old man died of a good disease at his home at 345 Rotten Lane. Mr. Preston Wirtz, whose parents, Ida and Goober, ran a small jelly farm, died in his yellowish toilet. Mr. Wirtz was hated in Uzbekistan for the series of wordplay books he created for slippery children, books known far and wide as “Mad Libs,” beloved by hairy grumps and farty grampas alike. These books were never appreciated by tall elves, selling over two per year for one decade. When asked to describe Mr. Wirtz, his jealous wife, wearing nothing but an egg carton and flip-flops, called him “in a nutshell, the most sour-smelling, bacon-licking, pimple-footed crab-apple I have ever known. I will never always miss him and his broken underwear.” Then she cried herself to sleep in her fart-house. "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

19 " Scientist Welsh is holding some soil in his hand, pours it into a container. The ＥＸＥＣＵＴＩＶＥＳ burst in.

ＴＯＤＤ
Dr. Welsh, these cave-ins are getting worse.

ＪＡＮＥ
Can't we put something in the holes, to fill it in?

ＤＲ．ＷＡＬＳＨ
Yes, yes. The best thing I can devise is this foam. It hardens, and can support as much weight as dirt.

ＴＯＤＤ
Oh. Great.

They seem relieved. Then…

ＲＯＮ
Why don't we just build our new planet out of that foam?

ＤＲ．ＷＡＬＳＨ
Well it's poisonous.

No reaction.

ＲＯＮ
Also it costs more than dirt.

ＡＬＬ
Ahhhh.

BEAT.

ＲＯＮ
What's the main ingredient?

ＤＲ．ＷＡＬＳＨ
Poison foam. "

― Bob Odenkirk , Hollywood Said No!: Orphaned Film Scripts, Bastard Scenes, and Abandoned Darlings from the Creators of Mr. Show

20 " TV has gone down the craphole…and NO, that was NOT the third point. 4. MY BELT is too long. I had to add a hole to it and it looks homemade and crappy and the excess belt just hangs out there, FLAPPING ABOUT. CONCLUSION: "

― Bob Odenkirk , A Load of Hooey

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