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81 " I think what makes being a mom so hard is that it never stops. It just keeps going in perpetual motion. It’s a cycle with no end. The days of the week don’t mean anything to me. I don’t punch out. I’m never “off. "
― Bunmi Laditan , Confessions of a Domestic Failure
82 " my biggest fear is that my mind will always be as messy as my kitchen counter "
― Bunmi Laditan , Dear Mother: Poems on the hot mess of motherhood
83 " Toddlers have an excuse when it comes to their shitty behavior: They’re learning how to be people. If you’re an asshole of a parent, it’s all on you. "
― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault
84 " was on my fourth cup of coffee, so while my body felt dead, my mind was racing. I felt like a coked-out sloth. Can sloths do cocaine? It’s made from a jungle plant, right? What if sloths figured out the recipe and started making it? We’d have an epidemic of drug-addicted sloths. We’d have to change their name from sloths to fasts. We’d also have to invent sloth rehabilitation centers complete with beautiful waterfalls and sloth sharing circles of trust. I pulled out my phone. "
85 " You cannot talk a toddler down from a tantrum any more than you can talk a tornado down from destroying lives. "
86 " Be careful how you speak about yourself for your words will become your daughter’s mother tongue "
87 " There's no such thing as strong women or weak women. We're just women who do what we must until we can't. "
88 " If there was any justice on Earth, women would take the first twenty-week shift of pregnancy and men would take over for the last four-and-a-half months. But based on how a common head cold transformed my husband from a thirty-five-year-old man to a ninety-six-year-old granny with malaria, I wasn’t sure he’d make it through one day with child. "
89 " Toddlers love their grandparents with the love of a thousand suns. It is a pure love based on gifts, hugs, a no-rules environment, and candy. "
90 " Anything you can do to keep from packing up your shit and leaving is called love. "
91 " The Witching Hour Explained Toddlers wake up from their naps like angry drunks: confused, belligerent, and emotionally abusive. "
92 " Depression isn't sadness; It's the muting of a spirit,Applause for life held indefinitely.It's the fatigue of young bones,The bitterness of new blood,The sadness is just the wilting garnish on this empty plate "
93 " Two-year-olds are next to impossible to understand, and they feel self-conscious about how much they suck at speaking. This is why asking a 2T to repeat himself sends him into a rage. Pretend to understand his gibberish or you’ll get bitch-slapped. "
94 " Two-year-olds are cute, but never, ever mistake their elfin good looks for kindness. "
95 " I took a greedy sip of my coffee. Sweet and delicious. What would I do without this comforting blend of caffeine and sugar? Motherhood would be absolutely impossible without it. "
96 " Three-year-olds have only one goal: to make you look like a bitch-ass punk in public. Once you know this, you’ll pick your battles. Pick none of them. Don’t engage in arguments with a three-year-old, because if you’re yelling or explaining, they’ve already won. "
97 " They won't always be toddlers and you'll miss it. "
― Bunmi Laditan
98 " Three-year-olds don’t just carpe the diem, they carpe your will to take them anywhere. "
99 " People without a toddler of their own will not understand how someone so cute will make you want to be single, living in a studio apartment with only a bottle of Jose Cuervo to keep you company. "
100 " David always says, “Just lie down, you’ll fall asleep eventually.” Yeah, after my mind picks apart every mistake I’ve ever made since I was three, every possible bad thing that could ever happen to Aubrey in her entire life and then tosses around the “What am I going to make for dinner tomorrow?” query. It’s so easy for men to fall asleep. Scientists should study whatever enzyme it is that they produce that helps them turn off their brains at night and drift into that deep, annoying I-can’t-hear-the-baby-crying slumber. They could turn it into a sleeping pill that women can take. "