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41 " Nature knows that toddlerhood is when you are most likely to take your child to a public park and leave him there with a note that says, “I’m a little shit and they couldn’t take it anymore.” “Toddler assholery” is a normal part of human development. It’s like puberty but focuses mainly on throwing food on the floor and taking swings at people who pay your way. Toddlers are assholes. They just are. Remind yourself of this the next time your two-year-old tosses a full bowl of oatmeal across the room. "
― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault
42 " Be careful how you speak about yourselffor your works will becomeyour daughter's mother tongue "
― Bunmi Laditan , Dear Mother: Poems on the hot mess of motherhood
43 " A toddler is a cross between a sociopath, a rabid animal, a cocker spaniel, a demon, and an angel. Depending on the time of day and when your toddler’s last meal was, you will see all of these sides. The "
44 " The amount of crap in your tub will rival that in your garage. By the time you go to take a shower, it’ll be like cleansing yourself inside a dollar store. "
45 " There's no way around it. Motherhood is hard. And you young moms put more pressure on yourselves than we ever did, with your crafts and your activities. Do you know what we called crafts when David was young? Chores. We didn't play with our kids, we sent them outside. All day. They'd only come back in when the streetlights came on. You moms have it different. You're expected to be on 24/7 and look good doing it. My advice is this. Stop being so hard on yourself. And drink more vodka. "
― Bunmi Laditan , Confessions of a Domestic Failure
46 " Nowadays, we're all expected to make lunches in the shape of Frozen characters, put our kids in stylish clothes, spend our weekends making elaborate Pintrest inspired balloon-animal melted-crayon ombre-cookie crafts, and having our families and homes look like they just walked out of a page from Real Simple magazine-the pressure is enormous. And its stupid. "
47 " think what makes being a mom so hard is that it never stops. It just keeps going in perpetual motion. It’s a cycle with no end. The days of the week don’t mean anything to me. I don’t punch out. I’m never “off. "
48 " This is exactly why I hate Facebook. I know it's just a website, but I truly believe it has created absolute monsters out of the lot of us. If we're not bragging and showing people (people we barely care about) our Pintrest projects, we're comparing our loves with everyone else's. "
49 " Just as quickly as it came, the wave of excitement turned bittersweet. It was all happening so fast. My baby was growing up. First teeth, then braces, then I'll turn around and she'll be filling out college applications. I can almost see he driving away in a car packed to the brim with boxes, off to start her life...away from me. Only to come home on the odd weekend. "
50 " It killed me that one of the hardest parts of being a mom was sometimes dealing with other moms. The judgments, the looks, the advice that feels like a slow plunging of a knife into an already sore spot. They were supposed to understand better than anyone. They were supposed to be the only people I didn't have to pretend for. They should have been my safe space, but they weren't. "
51 " I’ve learned that the best parents aren’t the ones who know how to be right the best ones are the ones who know how to apologize "
52 " Now to contradict myself: If you do bring juice into your home, know that it’s the closest thing to giving your child an ecstasy pill. Your toddler will fiend for it hard. He’ll pace like someone itching for a nicotine hit as you pour it, and grab it out of your hands with legit desperation. Cut it with water if you want, but have you tasted your half-juice, half-water concoctions? They taste like piss. You’re the boss, though. "
53 " In a mother's lovethe only heartbreakis when they dowhat you have prepared them for:leave "
54 " Motherhood has a way of talking all of your "I'll never"s and turning them into "Whatever works. "
55 " But based on how a common head cold transformed my husband from a thirty-five-year-old man to a ninety-six-year-old granny with malaria, I wasn’t sure he’d make it through one day with child. "
56 " This is as cute as your kid is ever going to get. A two-year-old is trapped between babyhood and kidhood, and it’s a beautiful thing to behold. Is there anything cuter than a two-year-old Tweedledee stumbling around? "
57 " I felt like a coked-out sloth. Can sloths do cocaine? It’s made from a jungle plant, right? What if sloths figured out the recipe and started making it? We’d have an epidemic of drug-addicted sloths. We’d have to change their name from sloths to fasts. We’d also have to invent sloth rehabilitation centers complete with beautiful waterfalls and sloth sharing circles of trust. "
58 " The quickest way to get cut off from naked Twister is to act like working outside the house makes you exempt from equal parenting. Mofo. "
59 " Wrong: Sadie, it looks like Henry wants to play with your LEGOs. Why don’t you give up your dreams and let him destroy everything? Right: Sadie, it looks like Henry wants to play with your LEGOs. Move aside while I throw him out of this house. Seventy percent of all toddler-on-toddler violence comes from sharing. Eighty-six percent of toddler illness is a direct result of sharing. Behind errands, sharing is the number one cause of loud responses. Do you still think it’s a good idea? Sharing is a socially accepted form of theft and needs to be abolished. "
― Bunmi Laditan , The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting
60 " MOTHERHOOD HAS TAUGHT ME THAT LOVE IS NOT A FEELING IT IS A BURNING DESIRE TO TRY A LITTLE HARDER THAN I DID YESTERDAY "