Home > Author > Tracie Daily
1 " I left the bedroom to judge distances in the hall. I was less comfortable in the rest of the flat but knew if I could make it to my room I had a chance. Wenzel's spare coat was slung on the door to the living room. I searched the pockets and found an envelope full of twenty pound notes and another roll of notes in the other pocket. How did he get so much money? We earned thirty pounds a day at the fruit and veg shop and half of my days pay went straight to him for rent. "
― Tracie Daily , Tracie's Story: Care Abuse Love Murder
2 " I realised something else at that point, I used smokes to avoid talking about emotional things, “Just nipping for a smoke” when someone started talking about something I didn't want to talk about. “Just off for a fag, back in a minute” when someone came in that I didn't like. I was using it as a crutch to get out of speaking my mind and I'd never been shy of speaking my mind. What else had I used smoking to cover up? I realised in that moment that smoking was not my friend, it was my enemy disguised as my friend. It was the ultimate head fuck. It made me feel great whilst it was screwing me but it was screwing me. "
― Tracie Daily ,
3 " I soon found if I stuck to set routines then my mind didn't wonder and I felt more comfortable, both at home and at work, everything had a place and suited my warehouse mentality perfectly. I was in control and that played a huge factor in my confidence too. "
4 " I wasn't going to school. I'd made the decision somewhere between him threatening to kill me and him trying to replace mum. I couldn't pinpoint the logic but I knew it had to be done. I was different and if he hit Cass I'd kill him. "
― Tracie Daily , CHECKMATE: Care Abuse Love Murder
5 " With Angela's help I'd become much more confidant in my abilities yet I still didn't know who I was, what music I liked or felt stable enough to set my home up as a home and why was I training? It made me feel better but it wasn't leading to a fight so what was the point? I let the art therapy or self work as I'd started calling it slack and I'd stopped meditating. Before I knew it I was taking the late night parties home with me. Just a small bottle of baileys of a night and then within weeks I was getting up hungover, going for a run and picking up more on the way home. I'd just survived, I'd won at everything and who cared? What did it change? One night I fell off a P.C chair and cracked a rib because I'd drank tequila too fast, "
6 " With Angela's help I'd become much more confident in my abilities yet I still didn't know who I was, what music I liked or felt stable enough to set my home up as a home and why was I training? It made me feel better but it wasn't leading to a fight so what was the point? I let the art therapy or self work as I'd started calling it slack and I'd stopped meditating. Before I knew it I was taking the late night parties home with me. Just a small bottle of Baileys of a night and then within weeks I was getting up hungover, going for a run and picking up more on the way home. I'd just survived, I'd won at everything and who cared? What did it change? One night I fell off a P.C chair and cracked a rib because I'd drank tequila too fast, "
7 " Can I play with the dolls now please Nan?” Caroline asked gently. “Yes with pleasure” nan replied. Caroline sat still for five minutes a little bit closer to our group playing cards and then gingerly said “where is it Nan?” As she clutched the one doll she’d been allowed to play with. “Where’s what?” Nan asked sighing like she'd been stopped mid way to picking up fifty pounds. “The pleasure?” Caroline replied innocently unaware of what it was she was saying.This story was retold by Nan many times when someone asked about Caroline to point out how unwell mentally she was and why she was under whichever punishment nan had designated for her at the time. Caroline had no mental problems. She had a stutter because she had been scared so much as a child. Unfortunately the story sums up how nan was with girls perfectly. There was no pleasure. "
8 " The atmosphere inside was terrible. Brenda stared into the distance whenever I was around her and hardly spoke to me. Little Jim passed me in the hall “you shouldn’t have done that” he said without malice. Was he scared too? Why was everyone scared? What didn’t I know?I walked into the kitchen “Hi Brenda, what should I do now I’m late for tea?” I asked her honestly.“You can do whatever you choose Tracie” she said staring through the kitchen window. It kind of reminded me of my first memory of mum. I was shocked she sounded like she really didn’t care. She wasn’t even fake caring any more she just plain didn’t give a shit. “Thanks” I said and walked towards the living room where Caroline and Rita were sat. Rita got up and walked past me to go to bed. “What’s going on?” I said to Caroline. “We didn’t know where you were” she said shaking her head at me. Did nobody get it? "
9 " To this day I'll never know whether he planned to off me or was just getting a huge rise out of taking me back to where he killed my mother. Perhaps he intended to teach me a lesson and tie me up in the cave, gag me and leave me there for an hour to convince me he could kill me if he wanted to, or perhaps he was genuine and wanted to have a laugh and a joke around the caves in the only way he knew how - by being a complete idiot. I have no idea however at the time it all felt very real and his intentions about killing me genuine or not he was definitely getting a kick out of being back where he killed my mother. "
10 " Macclesfield was like a wound I couldn't stop picking. I didn't know if I'd ever heal or if my constant pulling at the scab would leave me open to infection but I did know I had to keep doing it. I had to find out what lay beneath each layer of skin even if it meant that I felt more and more pain. It could have been another form of self harm or it could have been a part of my journey I just had to make.Either way I was compelled to continue. Could I get Jodie and Jonathon back?Could I see them playing again?Would Courtney accept me into her family? Perhaps I'd belong there until I got my family back together?Okay so I couldn't grow up with Alan as I'd liked but I could try and fit in with Clive and Phil. The thought hurt, I could easily turn to crime but how would that help with the social services? "
11 " I spent that night sat on his bed peeling the burnt skin off his back in huge white sheets. Most nights we would watch through the bedroom window as the drunks went past.One night a group was outside and had turned violent. Which wasn’t unusual but this night Alan shouted out of the window “that’s enough lads! Leave him!” They didn’t listen. He shouted again this time towards the house but with the window still open “Pat bring the shotgun!” They vanished. We didn’t even own a shotgun. We did own a blank firing six shooter pistol though. I don’t know why. "
12 " Every year my wife would get me a card for my birthday, then as I got more involved with her family I found most of her family would send me a card, hell people I didn't even know would send me a card. Considering I'd had years and years without any of this card, gift business, years of just seeing it as another day and cracking on then this was weird beyond compare and I liked it. It made me feel good, but it also made me notice the things that hadn't happened "
13 " I wasn't to blame for my granddads death and that I could have a strong independent life. I was on my way to the hospital for my dental operation and was convinced I'd die "
