Lundy Bancroft QUOTES

181 " You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

182 " He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

183 " The abuser ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory. That’s a pretty privileged lifestyle. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

184 " Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

185 " The abuser comes and goes as he pleases, meets or ignores his responsibilities at his whim, and skips anything he finds too unpleasant. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

186 " some abusers are rarely home at all, using the house only as a base for periodic refueling. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

187 " he wants her to be thinking about him. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

188 " Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

189 " Public status of partner and/or father without the sacrifices "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

190 " When you are left feeling hurt or confused after a confrontation with your controlling partner, ask yourself: What was he trying to get out of what he just did? What is the ultimate benefit to him? Thinking through these questions can help you clear your head and identify his tactics. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

191 " abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

192 " An abuser can be thought of not as a man who is a "deviant," but rather as one who learned his society's lessons too well, swallowing them whole. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

193 " Your negative feelings about yourself do not reflect reality. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?

194 " The salient point about remorse, however, is that it matters little whether it is genuine or not. Clients who get very sorry after acts of abuse change at about the same rate as the ones who don't. The most regretful are sometimes the most self-centered, lamenting above all the injury they've done to their own self-image. They feel ashamed of having behaved like cruel dictators and want to revert quickly to the role of benign dictators, as if that somehow makes them much better people. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

195 " Abusive and controlling men tend to have an endless collection of strategies to avoid having to look at their behavior and change it. They are highly attached to an unequal, privileged position in their relationships with women, and as a result are simply not willing to operate respectfully, since that would mean operating as equals. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?

196 " And the most frequent response of all: “Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

197 " Более всего абьюзер пытается избежать того, чтобы вы нацелились на его жестокость как таковую. Поэтому он пытается набить вашу голову оправданиями и искажениями фактов и удержать вас под тяжестью сомнений в себе и самообвинений. Увы, люди склонны доверчиво следовать за ним, помогая ему закрывать вам – и самому себе – глаза на его проблему. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why does he do that,daily wisdom for why does he do that,fitness mindset 3 books collection set

198 " Обычный жестокий мужчина старается поддерживать положительный имидж, но некоторые ведут себя грубо и угрожающе со всеми. Как насчет таких? Является ли это результатом плохого обращения с ним родителей? Ответ: и да, и нет – в зависимости от того, о какой проблеме мы говорим. Его враждебность по отношению к роду человеческому может произрастать из жестокости его воспитания, но его жестокое отношение к женщинам – это проблема жестокого обращения. Эти две проблемы связаны между собой, но это разные проблемы.

Я не говорю, что вы не должны сочувствовать детским страданиям вашего партнера.

Жестокая личность заслуживает такого же сопереживания, как и нежестокая, не больше и не меньше.

Но нежестокий мужчина не использует свое прошлое для оправдания своего плохого обращения с вами. Сочувствие вашему партнеру может быть ловушкой, заставлять вас испытывать чувство вины за то, что вы протестуете против его жестокого поведения. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

199 " but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons. So while a small number "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

200 " There are two main principles to keep in mind when deciding how much potential an abuser has to become a kind, respectful partner in the long run:

1. He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes. No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future.

2. It makes no different how nice he is being to you, since almost all abusers have nice periods. What matters is how respectful and non coercive he chooses to become. "

― Lundy Bancroft , Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men