Home > Author > Ruby Walker
1 " Looking at the night sky and feeling small is only a cliche if you can say that getting burned by fire is cliche. It’s a timeless human truth. "
― Ruby Walker , Advice I Ignored: Stories and Wisdom from a Formerly Depressed Teenager
2 " I hated the things that grew out of my body, my breasts, my hair—even as I imagined they could someday make me sexy. That's what I wanted to be: sexy, not comfortable; pretty, not able; wanted, not admired. "
3 " Sometimes life’s a shit boat, and it feels like nothing’s ever gone right. And sometimes the only comfort you have is the fact that other people are also in your awful situation. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll make them feel a little less alone. "
4 " And I know I’d rather be happy and bland than tortured and interesting. Yet, sometimes it still makes me angry, that I don’t have the option to destroy myself anymore. "
5 " No matter how good I was, no matter how much I pleaded for it or worked for it, I could never make everyone understand me. If my self-esteem was dependent on other people’s feelings, it would never be under control. I’d be on a ship rocking back and forth between emptiness and salvation, never able to really find my feet. "
6 " I wished I didn't need an ocean of space to feel comfortable. I still wanted to be loved. Yet again I felt like two people: one who desperately needed a hug, and one who would break apart at the slightest touch. How could I get people to keep their distance without leaving completely? How long would it take for them to get tired of the way I flinched and evaded? "
7 " I was trapped in dichotomy—certain of two things at once that couldn't possibly agree. Believing what happened wasn't bad enough to be so shaken over, but still coming undone. Blaming myself entirely, but still feeling powerless. Standing on the razor’s edge, knowing that I was doing myself wrong, but falling back in every single time. "
8 " At night I’d stand in front of the mirror, eyes closed, imagining the face of a beloved friend. Upturned nose, wavy hair, dark eyes, wide smile, belly laughing, lifting eyebrows, skipping stones. I’d feel the champagne glow of love and respect radiating from behind my sternum. When my eyes broke open on my own hateful face, I squeezed the embers tight to keep them from fizzling out. I kept forcing myself to imagine feeling self-love. Then one night when I opened my eyes, I didn’t see a ghoul or a failure or a mask. I saw a tired, imperfect girl who wanted the world to be kind. And the love was already there. "
9 " I wanted to fall apart in public so it could finally be someone else's responsibility to pick me back up. I wanted someone to know me. I wanted someone to make me stop. I wanted all that—but I couldn't stand the idea of letting someone else see how weak I was. That's how I sank so low, so quietly. I was trapped in dichotomy—certain of two things at once that couldn't possibly agree. Believing what happened wasn't bad enough to be so shaken over, but still coming undone. Blaming myself entirely, but still feeling powerless. Standing on the razor’s edge, knowing that I was doing myself wrong, but falling back in every single time. "
10 " People who have never dealt with mental illness will never understand know how legitimately triumphant it feels to decide to take a shower and then actually do it. "
