Akemi Dawn Bowman QUOTES

161 " Losing Lea feels like there’s a knife forever twisting in my heart. It feels like walking up a stairway that never ends, and every new step gets harder and harder to climb. It feels like floating through space with no way of getting home. It feels hopeless. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Summer Bird Blue

162 " Because music is a carnival at night, lit up by a thousand stars and bursting with luminescent colors and magical illusions. Music is magic and lightning and fireworks. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Summer Bird Blue

163 " Fuck romance—Lea was the love of my life. It was beautiful and horrible and messy and angry, but it was also the purest, most innocent kind of love I’ll ever feel. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Summer Bird Blue

164 " I remember not understanding it. Girls who looked like me. Did he mean girls with dark hair? Girls who wore jeans instead of skirts? Girls who didn't have their ears pierced. Or did he mean something else?

For years I watched him hold hands with girls who didn't look anything like me. And some of them had dark hair. Some of them wore jeans. Plenty of them didn't have their ears pierced.

But they all had one thing in common: None of them were Asian.

Now when I have a crush on someone, I don't wonder if they like the same music as me, or if they watch the same kind of movies, or if we'll get along the way Jamie and I did. I wonder if they like Asian girls. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

165 " Because that’s how it is when you have a sister you love—you never stop talking to them, not ever, not even when they do something horrible, or stop breathing, or exist in some place you can’t see. Because their ghost stays with you forever, and you spend the rest of your life trying to say all the things you wish you had said when they were alive. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Summer Bird Blue

166 " It’s okay. We kind of all ignore each other.” He shrugs. “Taro called and said the same thing as you. Maybe we’re all the same person, split into three pieces.”

I nod quickly to hide the tremble in my jaw. If we are all three broken pieces of the same being, we should have tried to put ourselves back together a long time ago. Maybe we needed each other because being a third of something was never enough.

Maybe we had what the other person needed all along. Taro doesn’t take Mom personally. Shoji knows where he fits into the world. I dream about a new life. Maybe by splitting into three pieces, we robbed each other of what it felt like to be a full person. If I had Taro’s thick skin or Shoji’s confidence, I might’ve fought back a long time ago. I might’ve realized sooner that it’s okay to be different.

And if Shoji had my ability to dream, he might’ve cared more about his future than ending his pain.

We’re no good as broken pieces. We failed as siblings. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

167 " And then I think of Mom. I think of her going through my yearbook, inadvertently reminding me how I’ll never be as pretty as the other girls at school, how pretty she was when she was my age, how I’ll never be as pretty as her, and I suddenly want to be anywhere other than my own house. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

168 " My hopefulness feels like it’s wedged in my throat—it hurts to get the words out, but it would hurt even more to swallow them back down and bury them in the pit of my stomach, where they’d fester for an eternity because some dreams refuse to die. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Harley in the Sky

169 " I believe in gray areas. I live in the gray area. But when it comes to my parents, I guess it’s always been easier to put them in boxes. Even though I hate boxes. Because the problem with boxes is that they don’t give people any room to grow. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Harley in the Sky

170 " His eyes flit across mine, begging me to let him off the hook. He doesn't want to say it out loud. "You're not the kind of girl I usually go out with."

"What does that mean?" I'm shaking.

"I don't usually date Asian girls, that's all," he says finally.

I blink and my eyes go blurry.

"I don't have anything against girls like you," he insists, "but my parents, they wouldn't understand. This is kind of a small town, you know?"

WHAT I WANT TO SAY: "So you want to lie about my first kiss because your parents are racist?"

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAY:
"You were the one who kissed me."

My throat tightens. My face burns. It's not that I wanted our kiss to mean anything—I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with it being erased. I'm not comfortable being erased. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

171 " His eyes flit across mine, begging me to let him off the hook. He doesn't want to say it out loud. "You're not the kind of girl I usually go out with."

"What does that mean?" I'm shaking.

"I don't usually date Asian girls, that's all," he says finally.

I blink and my eyes go blurry.

"I don't have anything against girls like you," he insists, "but my parents, they wouldn't understand. This is kind of a small town, you know?"

WHAT I WANT TO SAY:
"So you want to lie about my first kiss because your parents are racist?"

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAY:
"You were the one who kissed me."

My throat tightens. My face burns. It's not that I wanted our kiss to mean anything—I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with it being erased. I'm not comfortable being erased. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

172 " All my life I’ve felt lonely, and it has always left an ache inside me, like there’s a supernatural presence crushing my heart within its fist. Looking out at the ocean, I don’t know how anyone could be anything but lonely. There’s nothing out there to see—just water and space. But it feels good. If lonely can ever be something good, this is it. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

173 " I want to tell him my name isn't Kelly, but to be honest I don't really care. I feel like my energy is rapidly depleting. I'm thinking about Uncle Max, and being socially awkward, and how Jamie looked at me like he was making a conscious decision to avoid me. It's draining thinking about so many things all at once, and even more draining to be around so many people. I don't know how other people do it—don't they ever feel like they need to recharge? Doesn't talking to people for so long wear them out? "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

174 " I stare at the mirror, running my fingers around my round face and my wide nose and wondering if Mom really does think she could have done better than Dad—better than Asian—and if she does, does she think she could have done better than me?

It hurts. It hurts hearing her vocalize my fear—that people might not look at me the way they look at her. And it hurts to think she looks down on Dad, and maybe down on me, and Taro, and Shoji.

Closing my eyes, I think of all the faces in my sketchbook. The ones I’ve drawn since Hiroshi told me beauty isn’t just one thing. They’re all different and special and unique. I don’t look at them the way Mom looks at the faces in a yearbook. Because it wouldn’t be fair. It feels cruel, like I’m saying one type of face is better than another. Like I’m saying one kind of heritage is better than another.

It’s an ugly thing to do. I’d rather have an ugly face than an ugly heart.

I let my hands drop to my sides and shake my head at the mirror.

And I decide, right there and then, that I don’t care if I’m not someone’s idea of pretty. I don’t care if my name might disappoint someone, or if my face might disappoint someone’s parents. Because that says so much more about them than it does about me.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? Who cares what Mom thinks, when she’s immature enough to keep a last name she hates just to maintain an imaginary war with Serena?

I love my last name. And maybe I’m even learning to love my face.

That can be enough. It has to be. It will be. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

175 " He notices. "You're different. I like that."

Different. The word makes me feel jittery and nervous, like there's suddenly a spotlight glaring down on me, announcing to the entire room that I'm not like everyone else. It doesn't matter how many red cups I hold—I'll always be different. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish

176 " I feel like I'm the one made out of paper. "

― Akemi Dawn Bowman , Starfish