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44 Chapters About 4 Men QUOTES

44 Chapters About 4 Men QUOTES

1 " There is nothing in the entire American Psychological Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual that describes my shit. I have three degrees in psychology, and I still don’t know what’s wrong with me, other than the fact that I’m a bad psychologist, obviously. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

2 " So, this is what a family is, I thought. Just a houseful of people who've all sucked on your tits.
And have also been inside your vagina. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

3 " I stared straight ahead like a gangsta, never acknowledging the cast of Hannah Montana sitting next to me, and fantasized that they were staring at me out of the corners of their eyes thinking, Who is that woman with The Suit? Is she playing with his hair? Oh my God, she’s such a badass. He looks like some rich business executive, but Rocker Chick has her arm around him like he’s her fucking bitch. I’ll bet she has tattoos. And rides a motorcycle. And keeps a pair of brass knuckles in her vagina. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

4 " I might be a lot of things, Journal, but a whore is one of them. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

5 " Knight would carry my backpack and open my beers and light all my cigarettes, like a gentleman. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

6 " So, this is how it all ends, I thought. Bludgeoned to death by a skinhead’s penis in my ex-boyfriend’s childhood bedroom. And I never even got to meet Billy Idol. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

7 " mirrors and scales lie. They whisper things to your soul that are untrue—about your beauty, about your worth. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

8 " Headlining also meant a higher caliber of groupie—as in, they had enough self-respect to hide their track marks and cutting scars on the insides of their thighs, like ladies. These bitches were bold, too. Entitled even. Opening act groupies were bottom-feeders. Skittish. Easily scared off by a ninety-five-pound nineteen-year-old with a platinum-blonde pixie haircut and one hell of a stink eye. Headliner groupies, on the other hand, were scrappers. They were working on their retirement plans, goddamn it, and they weren’t going to let a little thing like me (or a condom) get between them and eighteen years of rock star–sized child-support checks. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

9 " You can be bored to tears and happy at the same time, right? "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

10 " Then, he smiled. And my consciousness came crashing back down to earth, bitch-slapped out of its reverie, by the worst teeth I had ever seen. Fuck, they were bad. You could have parked a double-wide between those discolored front tusks, and the rest of them looked like they were engaged in fisticuffs, scrambling over each other in a desperate attempt to leap from that hellhole—pun fully intended—and finally put an end to their suffering. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

11 " In this marriage, however, I just chalk it up to reason #983 why Ken is an asshole. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

12 " My parents were minutes away from finding out that their sixteen-year-old only child was dating a grown man with no job and no car and no brain cells and bad teeth and oh, by the way, he also has a fucking penis tattooed on his head. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

13 " Oh! OH! Then, after dinner, when I backed Ken into our bedroom so that I could say thanks by riding his lifeless body for a few minutes, he actually stopped me and asked if I wanted to try anything new. NEW! (As in, new to him, obviously. For a sex act to be new to me it would require a stolen college mascot uniform, twelve yards of rappelling cable, a handful of gerbils, and thirty CCs of vampire blood.) And it was really good, Sara! The TV wasn’t even on or anything! "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

14 " I’ll tell you what that was, Journal. That was divine intervention. Angel Alvarez was a solid buck fifty of Valtrex-and-crystal-meth-fueled trailer-park scrapper. I wouldn’t have stood a chance. I would have been liquefied on impact had I not been blessed with a guardian angel who wasn’t above tripping a bitch, not even a bitch named Angel. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

15 " Oppressed School Psychologist Conservative Public School System That Probably Still Supports the Confederacy   FROM: "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

16 " I mean, I knew going in that he’d dropped out of school, and he was homeless and all, but I’d thought it was because he was a hardened criminal, not because he had the IQ and processing speed of a three-toed sloth on barbiturates. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

17 " While they were spreading their ass cheeks for strangers on a nude beach, I was busy scrubbing skid marks out of my son’s Batman underwear. I hope whoever wound up blowing them had thrush and beard crabs. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

18 " That’s it! Holy shit, Journal! This motherfucker has been acting like a beached porpoise in the sack since the Clinton administration because he was trying to avoid that exact scenario! "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

19 " I absentmindedly picked up the dusty old tube of lube and flipped it over, curious to see if that AOL-era shit had an expiration date printed anywhere. Just as I suspected, I saw June 12, 2009. That goo was so old "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men

20 " And that’s when it occurred to me. Not ten minutes ago, that exact same nipple had been in the baby’s mouth. And a few years ago, it had been in my son’s mouth. So, this is what a family is, I thought. Just a houseful of people who’ve all sucked on your tits. And have also been inside your vagina. "

― B.B. Easton , 44 Chapters About 4 Men