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When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? QUOTES

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? QUOTES

1 " Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

2 " If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

3 " To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the
existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far
more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped
and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the
world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced
military and civilian radar operators.>> "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

4 " I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

5 " Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

6 " And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

7 " Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

8 " My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

9 " Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful! "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

10 " I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

11 " I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

12 " The future ain't what it used to be. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

13 " I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

14 " Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."
Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that? "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

15 " People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

16 " hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

17 " Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people's language with strict codes and rigid rules. I'm not sure that's the way to fight discrimination. I'm not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

18 " The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

19 " What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free world. And I can't find a clear definition of that, can you? Where is that? Russia? China? For chrissakes, Russia has a better Mafia than we do now, and China is pirating Lion King DVDs and selling dildos on the Internet. They sound pretty free to me. Here are some more jingoistic variations you need to be on the lookout for; "The greatest nation on Earth; the greatest nation in the history of the world"; and "the most powerful nation on the face of the Earth." That last one is usually thrown in just before we bomb a bunch of brown people. Which is every couple of years. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

20 " Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It’s nature’s supreme joke.
Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to fuck things up. "

― George Carlin , When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?