The Slow Fix QUOTES

1 " It’s strange, the things you miss. Me, I miss the way she used to wear her socks to bed and then pull them off with her toes. I would find them hidden in the sheets when I made the bed in the morning, crumpled into little black balls, covered in dog hair. It used to drive me nuts, but not anymore, in retrospect. Now it seems kind of adorable. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

2 " It is true what they say: without an audience, a storyteller is just some guy talking to himself. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

3 " I rarely bring a date along to family functions, because more than two or three of us in one room can be hazardous, especially if you are shy, offend easily, clean and sober, or don’t eat meat. The way my family demonstrates our love and affection for each other has occasionally been mistaken for verbal abuse by outsiders, so I usually don’t take the risk. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

4 " Just give her your goddamn window seat, for the love of Christ, she's a stone cold fox, whispered the little red devil that always wants to get laid from his perch just behind my left ear. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

5 " I don’t want to sound like someone’s grandmother or anything here, but really, would it be so hard to pick up a phone and call? "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

6 " She looked right at me and said nothing. I assumed it was because she was hanging from my every word, so I continued. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

7 " Like I said, one man’s pornography is another man’s brass reading lamp with the articulated adjustable arm and three-way light bulb. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

8 " My first rule is not to say or do anything too gender-specific, and to just let the stranger in question continue believing I am whatever gender they assume me to be, the catch being, of course, that I am quite often not certain just which gender box I should continue to help them make me fit into. This can get tricky quickly. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

9 " Today I sat next to a man who immediately informed me he was on his way to Europe to work with the Christian embassy, spreading the good will of the Lord. Before the plane was off the ground, he asked me if I had a girlfriend. I took this line of inquiry to mean that he thought I was a clean-cut young man, and therefore possessed a soul worth saving. I told him the truth; I did have a girlfriend, and no, we were not married yet, and yes, we were indeed living together and yes, I was aware that we were living in sin. I smiled inside at the time as just how much sin he didn’t realize we were actually living in, and pondered telling him I was not as nice, young, or male as he appeared to think I was. Then I realized how much fun it was to listen to a fundamentalist Christian lecture me on how God wanted me to marry my girlfriend, how the family unit in this country was depending on me, and how not fun it might immediately become if he were to find out he was brushing thighs with a full-blown sodomite disguised as a harmless wayward Catholic boy in a crisp shirt and tie. I knew there was as much chance of me changing his mind about anything as there was that he would ever lead me back to the path of righteousness, so I told him he was right, and that I was going to propose to my girlfriend as soon as I had enough money saved up to buy her a decent conflict-free diamond ring. He took this to mean that he had helped me see the light, and continued the Lord’s work all the way up to Toronto. When the plane finally landed, he shook my hand and told me that I seemed like a good person, and that if I were ever in Guelph, I should look up his son, who had strayed from God’s path a little and had pierced his eyebrow, and was pursuing an art degree. “I’d like him to meet some friends with ambition. People who realize their appearances matter. I pray that he grows up to be just like you.
“I hope God answers that prayer,” I told him. “I really do. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix

10 " High schools remind me of high school, I can’t help it. I graduated twenty years ago, but all it takes is the sound of the first period buzzer going off or the smell of floor wax and it is 1985 all over again, when I am skinny and self-conscious. "

― Ivan E. Coyote , The Slow Fix