2
" Mediocrity isn’t a part of the successful women’s handbook, but I’m sorry, boys, for you it is. Women have to push harder, jump farther, stay later, think better, shit faster, all while trying their best to maintain whatever society says today their body should look like, how they should parent, what they should wear, when they should find love, what’s inappropriate for them to do, say, be, feel, or fuck. The outward pressures are constant, but the inward congestion of doubts and insecurities are sometimes louder—women really can have it all! "
― Abbi Jacobson , I Might Regret This: Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff
7
" The stars out there, out west, are different, they’re brighter and bolder, and they make you feel that the world is so much more than you ever could have thought, that maybe you’d only been focusing on a tiny little corner. I know all those stars are there too, in my New York sky, but I don’t see them. There’s too much in the way. This was the space I was longing for and had been seeking out. But I could see now I hadn’t been yearning for that expanse to escape into, but rather to remember that I was a part of it. Right, the universe. Right, the sky, the stars, the unfathomable mystery of those faraway galaxies. The original, intended purpose for the word awesome. How had I forgotten about all this? It’s all right here. "
― Abbi Jacobson , I Might Regret This: Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff
8
" I tried to imagine what I might look like from a star's perspective: a tiny person in a grassy field in southern Utah, all by herself. She just stood there in her mismatched pajamas, looking up, so much happening in the world around her. But there she was, awake in the middle of the night, quietly staring away from it all, letting time slow down for a moment. "
― Abbi Jacobson , I Might Regret This: Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff
10
" There’s a quiet epidemic of women taking and absorbing the blame for other people’s mistakes, because of some inherent attribute deep inside us, constantly trying not to be difficult. I’ve had to learn to speak up and ask for what I want, specifically. And if it’s not done right, I don’t need to say, “Sorry, but…” Why am I apologizing? Asking for what you want and need (nicely) is not being an asshole, it’s part of the job. "
― Abbi Jacobson , I Might Regret This: Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff
11
" It truly is a team sport, and we have the best team in town. But it’s my relationship with Ilana that I cherish most. We have such a strong partnership and have learned how we work most efficiently: I need coffee, she needs tea. When we’re stressed, I pace around and use a weird neck massager I bought online that everyone makes fun of me for, and she knits. When we’re writing together she types, because she’s faster and better at grammar. We actually FaceTime when we’re not in the same city and are constantly texting each other ideas for jokes or observations to potentially use (I recently texted her from Asheville: girl with flip-flops tucked into one strap of tank top). Looking back now at over ten years of doing comedy and running a business with her I can see how our collaboration has expanded and contracted. But it’s the problem-solving aspect of this industry, the producing, the strategy, the realizing that we could put our heads together and figure out the best solution, that has made our relationship and friendship what it is. Because that spills into everything. We both have individual careers now, but those other projects have only been motivating and inspiring to each other and the show. We bring back what we’ve learned on the other sets, in the other negotiations, in the other writers’ rooms or press situations. I’m very lucky to have jumped into this with Ilana Rose Glazer, the ballsy, curly-haired, openhearted, nineteen-year-old girl that cracked me up that night at the corner of the bar at McManus. So many wonderful things have happened since we began working together, but there are a lot of confusing, life-altering things in there too, and it’s such a relief to have someone who completely understands the good and the bad. "
― Abbi Jacobson , I Might Regret This: Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff
12
" I’m done being polite about this bullshit. My list of professional insecurities entirely stems from being a young woman. Big plot twist there! As much as I like to execute equality instead of discussing the blaring inequality, the latter is still necessary. Everything, everywhere, is still necessary. The more women who take on leadership positions, the more representation of women in power will affect and shift the deep-rooted misogyny of our culture—perhaps erasing a lot of these inherent and inward concerns. But whether a woman is a boss or not isn’t even what I’m talking about—I’m talking about when she is, because even when she manages to climb up to the top, there’s much more to do, much more to change. When a woman is in charge, there are still unspoken ideas, presumptions, and judgments being thrown up into the invisible, terribly lit air in any office or workplace. And I’m a white woman in a leadership position—I can only speak from my point of view. The challenges that women of color face in the workforce are even greater, the hurdles even higher, the pay gap even wider. The ingrained, unconscious bias is even stronger against them. It’s overwhelming to think about the amount of restructuring and realigning we have to do, mentally and physically, to create equality, but it starts with acknowledging the difference, the problem, over and over. "
― Abbi Jacobson , I Might Regret This: Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff
14
" This fucking top sheet. How do people sleep when this top sheet is tucked in so tightly? I can’t even fit my feet under here. Why do they always make it so tight? I guess the bed is supposed to look nice and made when you come in, and then it just gets ruined on a daily basis. What a stupid thing to be annoyed about, the top sheet. People are suffering in the world, everywhere, in terrible ways, and I’m in a hotel bed, annoyed at my fucking top sheet. What an asshole. "
― Abbi Jacobson , I Might Regret This: Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff
17
" The doors that have been shut, the ones I've walked away from, sad, frustrated, and depleted, have always somehow led to the other doors, the ones I didn't see right away, the ones that opened so many others. "
― Abbi Jacobson , I Might Regret This: Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff