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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World QUOTES

The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World QUOTES

1 " The damaging part of learning to live your life in two parts , whether in reality or fantasy, cannot be underestimated. It is an infectious skill that you learned, one that would eventually spread beyond the bedroom of your life. Life wasn't ever what it seemed on the surface. Nothing could be trusted for what it appeared to be. After all, you weren't what you appeared to be. In learning to hide part of yourself, you lost the ability to trust anything or anyone fully. Without knowing it, you traded humane innocence for dry cynicism. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

2 " Always seek to allow others the space to be imperfect. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

3 " The experience of psychological trauma, as is typically diagnosed (posttraumatic stress disorder [PTSD]), has at least some of the following symptoms: • Reliving the trauma: This can happen through nightmares, flashbacks, or reexperiencing as a result of being in the presence of stimuli reminiscent of the traumatic event. • Efforts to avoid thoughts or feelings that are associated with the trauma. • Efforts to avoid activities or situations that arouse memories of the trauma. • Inability to remember some important aspect of the trauma (psychogenic amnesia). • Marked reduced interest in important activities. • Feeling of a lack of interest or expulsion by others. • Limited affect; such as inability to cherish loving feelings. • A feeling of not having any future (foreshortened future); not expecting to have a career, get married, have children, or live a long life. • Hypervigilance (heightened sensitivity to possible traumatic stimuli). "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

4 " Sadly, our culture raises man to be strong and silent. Straight or gay, the pressure is on from the time we're very young to become our culture's John Wayne-style of man.
* The more pain I can take, the more of a man I am.
* Showing feelings is for women.
* The more I can drink, the manlier I am.
* Intimacy is sex; sex is intimacy.
* Only women depend on others.
* A man takes care of himself without help from others.
* No one can hurt you if you're strong.
* I am what I earn.
* It is best to keep your problems to yourself.
* Winning is all that really matters.
Where did this stuff come from? It's everywhere in our society from the movies heroes we love to the politicians we vote for. Our culture demands that man fit in a tightly defined role. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

5 " Our own internal conflicts prevent us from gaining the emotional clarity needed to maintain a safe and satisfying bond. The situation compounds when two men, both overwhelmed with shame, come together in an intense and explosive expression of passion. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

6 " Contentment is created when your behaviour is consistent with your values. When you act in ways that are consistent with the core of who you are, even when your actions aren't approved by others, you increase your overall contentment. Happiness, success, money, relationships, and even the approval of others will come and go in your life, but what is ultimately satisfying is feeling content. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

7 " The one and only skill that resolves the crisis of meaning is that of acceptance. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

8 " After a while, we’ve all sort of given up on finding Mr. Right. It’s more about are you Mr. In-My-Bed-Right-Now and, whatever you do, please don’t stay for breakfast. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

9 " other and often occur simultaneously. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

10 " Passion is a meta-emotion — an emotion that is felt only after observing other emotions over time. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

11 " aware of "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

12 " What’s happiness really all about? How will I find lasting love and contentment? Can I find it in a relationship with a man? Is there such a thing as a healthy relationship between two men? How can I find real purpose and passion in my life? "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

13 " the deeply held, sinister belief that perhaps HIV is physical evidence of our own unloveableness. "

― Alan Downs , The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World