Home > Work > Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America
1 " But before you call PETA, let me explain. I think all dogs should be off leashes, biting people! That's what they want to be doing, running in packs like the wild canines I saw in Bucharest that seem so happy to attack you, snarling and yapping when you get out of a cab. Dogs don't want to be home with their owners stuck in some sort of sick S&M relationship, sentenced to a lifetime of human caresses! How would you like to take a shit with someone following you around, waiting to pick it up with a plastic newspaper bag? Talk about humiliating! Also, I hate to tell you this, but can't you see? Your cat hates you "
― John Waters , Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America
2 " but my abortion politics are simple. If you can’t love your child, don’t have it, because it will grow up and kill me. "
3 " I sneak a look over and consider a blow job, but even I know giving head in the middle of a demolition derby is risky, "
4 " I’d like to praise the drivers who picked me up. If I ever hear another elitist jerk use the term flyover people, I’ll punch him in the mouth. My riders were brave and open-minded, and their down-to-earth kindness gave me new faith in how decent Americans can be. They are the only heroes in this book. "
5 " Why is Mommy crying?” the young boy asks his dad, all sugared up and bewildered with concern. “Because you’re an asshole,” barks back the father with exasperated logic. "
6 " Nora Ephron’s great line that “overtipping only costs a few dollars more. "
7 " I’m alive, I think, and so many of my friends are not. I may be nuts to be doing this, but I’m kind of proud of myself. I am having an adventure. I like my life. Even if I have to stand here for the rest of it. "
8 " John!?” I ask in shock. This woman recognizes me? It can’t be! “How do you know my name?” I wonder out loud. Suddenly she looks nervous. “Well … you don’t recognize me?” I stare at her quizzically and she smiles sweetly and then says the one word that explains it all. “Eggs!” she cries in the most identifiable voice in the world. “EDITH!?” I scream so loud, she jumps. “Yes, honey, it’s me…,” she shyly admits. “You’re alive!? "
9 " There’s a prison there, too, which always makes me feel included. "
10 " I’m recognized in public about 80 percent of the time across this country, but during the other 20 percent when I’m not, I get pissed when I realize how shabbily other people must be treated every day. When store clerks or airline reps do suddenly recognize me and get nice after being grumpy when they didn’t know who I was, I get testy right back. "
11 " Once I climb in, will they believe it’s me even if they know who I am, or think I’m just a John Waters impersonator? Which I am in a way every day … only older. "
12 " which she makes no move to clean up, I’m not sure what "
13 " Green tree. Pretty lady. Car. Car. Truck,” she recites, naming out loud almost everything she sees. “Don’t mind me, I’m a gabberbox,” she chuckles. “A gabberbox?” I ask, confused at her term. “You know, hon, I talk a lot,” she explains before breaking into a laugh that is eerily familiar. "
14 " Connie goes off the charts and into a whole new realm of music. Suddenly channeling Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s scary voice and skyrocketing to a new level of coolness, Connie raps an all-new ghetto version of the once-tepid theme song to Follow the Boys, "
15 " I look out through the eyeholes and feel exactly the way Michael Jackson’s son Blanket must have felt "
16 " Oh my God!” I hear him yell to just about everybody. “Did you see that?! That was John Waters. I'm almost certain he has shit his pants!!” I hear grown men laugh in constipated smugness and digestive superiority. "
17 " Fantasies are like extra cash, they need to be banked for later use. I chuckle to myself, remembering Quentin Tarantino’s hilarious line onstage when I interviewes him in the Provincetown Film Festival. ‘What was the best thing about your success?’ I had asked, and he answered, ‘Pussy… no, the memory of pussy'. "
